Hollywood Teaches Zombie Preparedness - Undead Report

Several people have commented about the validity of some Undead Report articles and the factual basis for zombies in general.  They wonder if everything on here is for real; ‘Are there real zombies?’, ‘Are you serious?’, ‘Do you really believe in zombies?’. The answer they seek to these questions is unfortunately blurred by what Hollywood, Max Brooks, and George Romero would have you believe. Even with these biases, my answer is yes. Here’s why.

Romero’s biting social commentary is perhaps only slightly more accurate than his portrayal of walking corpses. The important thing to understand about his and other zombie movies is the feeling of alienation, survival and horror of one against thousands. You may already have hunting skills, HAZMAT gear, and a dozen zombie DVDs, which is an excellent way to prepare for the Zombie Holocaust. Any survival traits, carpentry skills and improvisational cooking abilities you have often extend into the realm of practicality. When it hits the fan, you’ll be a useful partner, but I could really use someone to marinate a steak for me.

What a crock of sh!t…you guys sound ridiculous.

Self reliance is key, you must be able to understand your surroundings, interpret how that relates to areas you cannot communicate with, and best formulate your plan for immediate and long term survival. The people hiding in Romero’s cabin had it good for a day or two, until help came. Even then the rescuers caused more harm than good for our sole survivor. In real life help may not be available or very helpful as any survivor of Katrina can tell you. Any skills, fortitude and ideas you have for living on your own with literally no help from other humans is a worthy trait to posess, and is perhaps more important than anything else I can share.

 Two weeks of food in (my attic), blow up mattress, tv, radio, computer, lots and lots of ammo and be able to get in the garage to get to (my) car to go to Alaska so the zombies will freeze.

This is a fine plan if militant looters are coming, but against hundreds of insane or undead individuals, it’s not much. I hope the computer is for pr0n, since without power and Internet, its best use is as a bludgeon. There’s no long term plan here, how are you going to have gas to get to Alaska, and what if the highways are clogged with dead cars and not so dead people? This is the guy you find during sweep and clears, his brains splattered from despair and sheer boredom. That ammo will be good for hunting, but realize ammo is heavy, gun stores are few and far between, and blades don’t need reloading. Also: dual wielding looks cool in Dawn of the Dead, The Matrix and Boondock Saints, but two guns in your hands makes it a bit hard to be accurate and impossible to reload. Cracked Magazine paints a nice portrait of what you can learn from all these zombie movies: “If you don’t know what to do when your neighbors start shambling around and getting all bitey, you probably deserve to die”.

YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT THE UNDEAD WILL INVADE PREPARE YOUR HOMES AND STOCK UP ON FOOD

Ahhh! Stocking up on food, ammo and all that goodness like Earl Basset in Tremors. Then what? Have a cookout? The problem here is stocking up on too much food means you’ll be stuck in one place. No amount of food stockpile will be helpful if your house is overrun by zombies, bored through by mutant worms, burned or demolished by space meteors. A one or two week stockpile is a good idea, but you’ll want to be on the move.

(On Night of the Living Dead): It was actually really entertaining but I hated the end…

There are only two things that end happily: fairy tales and massage parlors, and life is neither. The ending of Romero’s film illustrates the true horror of surviving in an infested world (and life in general), even if you survive it all and help arrives you’ll still die. Or you’ll die and come back as the undead, but hey, semantics.

2001 was a cover-up. “Terrorists” didnt do it, our own gov did. Hitler did the same thing, attack your own nation to ensure war against another.

Well, I’m not sure how this relates to zombies, but I’ll take a stab at it. You are one.