One year left.

Z-Day. 2012. The Mayan zombie super-apocalypse. Sensational journalism. Paranoid survivalists. Gun nuts. People out having fun. Boy scouts taking their preparedness to the next level. If you can be ready for this, you can be ready for anything.

2012 and the end of the world has been discussed at length here (dozens of comments pending) and elsewhere. This site naturally leans towards a zombie apocalypse on the 21st of December, 2012. We’re zombie fans, we love this stuff. Take it with a grain of salt as you will. True,  most apocalypse theories and end time projections lack scientific evidence, but we don’t really care. If we can prepare in a year for a be-all end-all apocalypse of local or global scale based on humans turning into something decidedly less human, you can count on a zombie preparedness expert to get you out of a jam, change a flat tire, whip up delicious scorpion stew, or have a solid sate of mind to hear your own fears. We’re there for you, but we won’t hesitate to end it real quick if you decide to get all bitey on us. Just don’t expect us to share our escape strategies and survival plans with anyone, even our loved ones. They will be revealed when necessary.

Doomsday 2012 will certainly be creeping into mainstream media as the year progresses. You may count on a few groups or individuals even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Y2K, Heaven’s Gate, May21, 2011 — the dates have come and gone, and some of us remain. That may be true come a year, but it doesn’t mean our curiosity will be satisfied on the 22nd.

Research indicates it will be the “Boyle” rage virus, still alive human type of zombie. If you’re looking for evidence, all it takes is a few Google searches and Cracked’s RSS feed. Cracked has posted numerous articles about Z-day. Here’s a few relevant ones to bring you up to speed.

5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

• Brain parasites (such as toxoplasma or Naegleria fowleri)
• Neurotoxins (like tetrodotoxin)
• Rage Virus (think advanced rabies)
• Neurogenesis (stem cell research causes post-mortem or post trauma brain growth)
• Nanobots

 7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)

• Natural predators (dogs, wolves)
• Heat
• Cold
• Biting as a bad poor of transmission
• Inability to heal (which assumes dead zombies)
• Natural landscape barriers
• Weapons and people

And a terse list that fulfills a lot of our carnal desires:

5 Reasons You Secretly Want a Zombie Apocalypse

• Guilt Free Violence
• Free Stuff
• Simplicity
• Acting Like a Jerk
• Being the Alpha Dog

Even if the zombie, climate, political, or economic apocalypse doesn’t happen on the 21st, zombie haters will remain vigilant, stocked, and prepared.

It’s not a paranoia, it’s not a fear, or even a desire. It’s a mindset to think “what if” and “how can I be ready”.

Time to start the countdown.

Rule #1: Cardio. If you want to survive the zombie apocalypse, any apocalypse, or just make it to the top of your staircase without getting winded, you need to be in shape. And if the top of that staircase leads to an open rooftop with Zacks on your trail, you’ll need to jump and land with precision. That’s why training, parkour (urban free running) and good health are essential. Your best offense is escape and evasion, and with that, the good people of St Charles, IL are up to speed.

Rich Gatz, is a 28-year-old lawyer who founded Zombiefit in October of 09.  Zombiefit is a fitness program designed to create and enhance physical skills necessary for a world gone mad with slow or fast zombies, bent on destruction and eating the human race.

What if you woke up tomorrow to find your city overridden with zombies, would you survive? This may seem childish, but by preparing for the impossible, you’ll be ready for the improbable.

The keys to surviving Z-day are simple: Be able to lift and throw heavy things, run fast and for long distances, and be able to navigate obstacles and urban environments in an efficient manner.

Are you training? Do you have a plan besides stocking up on guns and barricading yourself in a Wal-Mart? You need to run there in the first place.

Chicago! Zombie fit will come to Grant Park this Saturday July 17th from 11:00 – 12:30! Meet near the Metra station at Van Buren and Michigan.

As rules go, zombie fit has some. Rule number one: Perform functional movements at high intensity. Zombiefit is designed to increase stamina through the training of not only aerobic exercise, but also anaerobic — exercise in short bursts of high intensity, utilizing the body’s stored energy.

Remember, you don’t have to outrun the zombies — just the slowest member of your party.

Zombiefit.org

Zombies as exercise motivation – Chicago Tribune

Zombie theatre has been done,  ”Zombieland” hosted zombie walks across the country, but now it’s time for some scary new interactivity. Zombies Attack Chicago is a live interactive event incorporating mixed media, make-up, special effects, and stage violence. Based on the film genre, this production of Chicago’s Nothing Without a Company propels the audience into a zombie movie. Through a series of “Choose Your Own Adventure” incidents, the audience must decide how to weather the onslaught of the undead. How will you survive a night of the living dead?

UPDATE:

It’s good. It’s fun. And it’s at a bar, so you’ll have plenty of opportunity to make booze-soaked poor decisions to determine the fate of you and those around you. You won’t know what’s going on, who’s who, or even if you yourself are a zombie. No two performances are alike! Good luck surviving it.

It should also be mentioned the building it takes place in is known for haunts and a trouble, slightly murdery / death filled past.

$15
The Spot 4437 N. Broadway Ave.
South of the Wilson Redline “L” stop.
Every Friday in October, 7:30 pm

Keep reading for a special deal for Undead Report readers!

You want horror, you got it. Zombies Attack Chicago is a live interactive event incorporating mixed media, make-up, special effects, and stage violence. Blood, gore, horror, scary Halloween shenanigans, what more could one ask for? How about bringing a friend to revel in the violence?

ZAC Facebook Event Listing | ZAC Facebook Fan Page

Tell them “Bud” sent you for 2-for-1 tickets!

Well, they try to dance anyway. Saturday  July 25th, approximately 450 to 500 (some liberal estimates put the horde at 1,000) zombies were found congregating in Chicago’s Wicker Park. Many of them were later found to be hipsters, and promptly exterminated. The remainder were allowed, under close supervision, to shamble in an orderly fashion around the neighborhood.

Surprisingly, there was no Chicago police interaction.  Passersby on buses, taxis and cars were understandably frightened, but no casualties were reported. Patrons at local restaurants, bars and shops were visibly agitated and confused, although the majority found the situation to be humorous.

The unruly mob made several unsuccessful attempts to pester and/or eat and/or thrill three zombie hunters on the scene, but again, no injuries have been reported.  The mob stopped in front of an abandoned street festival music stage where after mindlessly wandering about, were suddenly drawn to the soothing, hypnotic and very not-undead sounds of the late and very dead Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.

The zombie hunters came equipped with “demo” Nerf weapons. It’s not advisable to bring Airsoft, live blades or real firearms to non-real undead gatherings, for obvious police and safety concerns. Nerf weapons are absolutely no substitute for actual, hands-on weapons training. I have had several readers ask me this question. Nerf weapons are great for the Humans vs Zombies game, but are strictly for fun and show. If you’re not old enough to legally own, purchase, or train with firearms, I suggest knowing someone who does, befriending and learning from them, and taking martial arts courses specializing in pole arm or blade combat.

This sort of celebration or zombie flash-mob has been occurring in many cities with surprising frequency. It is yet another indication that an underlying fear of zombies pervades our culture.

More photos and updates coming next week, I’m in Michigan for training.

This Saturday, June 20th, The Undead Report will be representing zombie hunters everywhere at the Horror Society’s Zombie Disco in Chicago at the Viaduct Theater. I’ll have a table setup with random violence, improvised weapon demos, zombie targets and artwork for sale, and whatever else I can think of. Have a suggestion? Leave a comment. This is an 18+ event.

What is a zombie disco? Well, its where zombies go to dance. The FORBIDDEN DANCE. Why has this website been reporting more about more zombie walks and themed parties than actual zombie news? Because the zombie apocalypse has entered the weltgeist. Everyone’s thinking about it.  Scared. Running. Probably going to die. Have some fun in the meantime.

Details:

DJ Joe Wallace will spin your favorite retro disco beats mixed with horror classic tunes like Italian horror movie soundtrack sounds mega-mixed with disco and other craziness. Expect to hear Goblin mashed up with Daft Punk, Lipps Inc, the Cramps, Morricone mashed up with Aphex Twin, James Brown and Paisley Babylon. All night long in tandem with screenings of classic zombie movies.

Come dressed as a zombie or get zombified on the premises and win the Best Zombie Contest!

Other games and events include Zombie Twister, Shoot’em In The Head, booze, trivia, games, vendors, raffle & more!

ViaDuct Theater
3111 N Western Ave
(Belmont and Western, under the bridge on Western)

Tickets only $10 at the door or online
More info:
http://www.horrorsociety.com/disco
http://www.viaducttheatre.com

They came last year. I tried to stop them. I, well, I failed.

Now they’re back.

Zombies are once again marching in Millenium Park. This time, it coincides with the Blues Festival, so it should certainly be interesting. Hopefully the only things being beaten by the cops will be boxes of donuts. I will be out of state on a recon mission. Think about it: if you knew zombies were coming, would you want to head right into the center of the mob? Sure, if you think you’re super awesome Mr. Headshot, but the best way to avoid becoming one is to avoid them altogether.

Last year, I found three or four fellow zombie killers. I hope more of you show up this year! Rememebr, if you’re coming with Nerf guns, keep them yellow or orange tape the tips. CPD is quite trigger happy. Represent zombie hunters world wide and send in your photos to sam at undead report dot com!

Zombie walks are a good theatrical produciton that serve well for training. It may even be advisable to act like a cowboy and steer the masses clear of the public.

More information can be found on the events Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=23561223992

The event is produced in part by Chicago Zombie. More information is available at their website, Chicago Zombie.

Details

As it would happen, the Zombie March coincides with one of the days of the Chicago Blues Fest, so play nice. Other rules include:

• Follow all the laws. Just because you’re in make up doesn’t mean the cops will hesitate to tackle you down and arrest you. And yes, we will stand back and laugh at your ignorance. Also, it only takes one person to mess this event up forever. And we’ll know who you are and hunt you down. K?
• Don’t harass people who are not part of the march on the streets.That’s just not cool and will get you arrested. Even harassing someone who is part of the march without them wanting you to is grounds for arrest. Just basically keep your hands to yourself.
• Don’t litter. This includes dropping gratuitous amounts of blood or limbs on the floor. You will be punished. Everybody knows zombies do not tolerate littering.
  Follow all the traffic signs. If it says walk, then you can walk. If it says it’s the cars turn to go, then let them go. Although you may seem undead, a car running you over will finish the job. Not sure how you feel about that.

After we reach our destination, that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the line. If anyone wants to plan any other trips to other locations afterwards, tell me now and I’ll see how many zombies I can send your way. Just send me your intended destination and I’ll send another message later telling people your name and the locations you’d like to visit.

PS – Yes, I realize this is people dressing up.

Last year, they came for beer. This year is no different.

Watch out Andersonville, next weekend is going to be full of beer/brain hungry undead ghouls on the prowl.  The Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl is produced by by improv group pH Productions. Almost 400 zombies attended the first crawl, wandering the streets of Andersonville into Simon’s, Charlie’s Ale House and Hamburger Mary’s. The 2009 edition promises to be even bigger and better and hopes for even more undead fun. For the unfamiliar, a zombie walk is a group of people usually organized by email or a website who dress like zombies and lumber through town, usually just for fun. Some zombie walks start or finish at cemeteries, and others at pubs.

Organizers will be rotating zombies in and out of the pubs so 400 of them won’t be lining up trying to grab a beer from one bartender. Sounds like a good idea. As this is a pub crawl, its limited to 21 and up, only. Hey, we adults have to have our zombie preparedness fun, right?

Check out pictures from 2008′s zombie pub crawl.

Click here to read more about the zombie pub crawl, and register for this year!

March 14, 2009, Chicago.

A small horde of approximately 50 to 60 zombies was seen, of all places, at a bowling alley on a Saturday night. No reported outbreaks have happened since, and infection was kept to a minimum. Luckily I came prepared to kick some ass with a trusty rifle, sidearm, ninja sword and an endless supply of head smashing bowling balls. Sadly, I was the only zombie hunter in the place, but I rather prefer it that way as I don’t want anyone taking my headshots.

Wildclaw Theatre‘s zombie bowling night was a huge success full of beer, balls and brains. It was a fantastic alternative for many to be zombified and drunk, instead of the normal St Pat’s stupid and drunk. As mentioned before I was a little disappointed to see I was the only survivor amongst the crowd, but I have a mission of survival to represent, bowling balls, Nerf guns and all. I brought a stack of zombie targets to generate some hype, and they were very well received.

There was a table full of prizes and shwag, awarded throughout the night during movie trivia contests, scream compeitions, beauty pageants and more.  A young girl owned first place in the screaming contest with an almost inhuman high pitched ear splitting shrill. Nice. Wildclaw had a table setup where they were making up zombies and covering them in my favorite ice cream topping: blood and gore. There was the ironic zombie with a “Get More Out Of Life” t-shirt. Another zombie bowler mistakenly thought it could bowl with a severed human head in its bowling bag, St Patrick’s day parade beads still hanging from its’ lifeless form. Several other zombies died particualrly gruesome deaths with miscellanous devices sticking from their corpses such as screws and butcher knives. Kitty Zombie from Chicago’s Zombie Army Productions made a groan filled appearance.

The event was a fundraiser for Wildclaw’s upcoming April production of a zombie play, The Revenants, by by Scott T. Barsotti. The Revenants will be about a small group of people who must survive the holocaust and come to grips with their own lives and salvation. “As wounded spouses take a turn for the worse, husbands and wives must ask of each other: When does love die?”

Stay tuned in April for some classy zombie madness.

Now, on to the photos of zombie bowling!

Chicago is always full of people walking around half dead, shouting, and attacking each other. And I’m not just talking about the zombies, this time I’m referring to the Irish.

St Patrick’s day weekend is always a good time in the windy city, and expect it to be particularly interesting March 14th, when hordes of the undead converge on the lanes instead of brains. I’ll be there with some of my crew, but don’t expect me to be one of the zombified — someone has to protect you from the gutterball slinging madness.

WildClaw Theatre Proudly Presents: Zombie Bowling
A Benefit for the Midwest premiere of The Revenants.

A little bit about the The Revenants:

‘Til death do us part? When a global outbreak of horrific violence forces two couples to hide in an abandoned basement, they come face to face with the true meaning of commitment. As wounded spouses take a turn for the worse, husbands and wives must ask of each other: When does love die?

April 20, 2009
Angel Island Theater, Chicago

WildClaw Theatre Company proudly announces Zombie Bowling, Saturday March 14th, at 9:00pm, at the Timber Lanes, 1851 W. Irving Park, Chicago. Admission to this evening of bowling and brains is $20 in advance/$25 at the door. You provide the zombie or the victim, we provide the shoes and the bowling. Tickets are limited so buy your tickets today at www.wildclawtheatre.com.

For $5 extra you can get zombiefied by WildClaw! Undead America Founder and Zombie Engineer, Aly Renee Greaves will be heading up a team of gruesome makeup specialists on site to transmogrify you.

The folks who brought you DEATHSCRIBE, The Great God Pan, and H.P. Lovecraft’s The Dreams In The Witch House, present an evening of bowling and fun like nothing you have witnessed before.

Featuring:

• The Horror Queen Scream-off!
• Zombie-oke!
• The Ultimate Horror Movie Trivia Contest!
• Zombie Beauty Pageant!
• Raffles with prizes!
• Cash Bar!

This promises to be an evening of shambling, bowling, drinking, macabre mastication, reanimation, yet more shambling, brain-eating fun that you won’t want to miss.

Proceeds from this benefit will go directly towards WildClaw Theatre’s production of Scott T. Barsotti’s The Revenants, directed by Anne Adams, opening April 20th at the Angel Island Theatre in Chicago.

Timber Lanes is near all forms of public transportation and is wheelchair accessible. Neighborhood parking near the Timber Lanes is limited. Please allow extra time when arriving by car.

Words fail me. The book comes out this May. My only concern is that the co-author Seth Grahame-Smith turns a zombie holocaust into something humorous, fanciful, or too fictionalized.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen’s beloved novel with all-new scenes of hopefully realistic ultra violent corpse dismemberment and human eating, bone crunching zombie action.

From the Entertainment Weekly interview with the author:

…we arrived at Pride and Prejudice and Zombies because, when you take a look at the original book, it’s almost as if, subconsciously, Jane Austen is laying out the perfect groundwork for an ultraviolent bone-crushing zombie massacre to take place. For instance, there’s a regiment of soldiers camped out near the Bennett household. In the book, they’re just there for characters to flirt with. But it’s not that big a leap to say, Okay, they’re there because the countryside has been overrun with what they call the “unmentionable menace.”

…They call zombies “unmentionables” because it’s a very polite society and the word “zombie” is kind of like a curse word. These aristocrats are trying to get on with their lives as best they can, despite the fact that the country is being devoured around them. They still have their balls and their teas and their manners. It was terrific fun to write, in the style of Jane Austen, describing horrific deaths and entire villages being slaughtered and burned to the ground.

So, pre-order your copy now, and start doing some polite society zombie extermination homework!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance – Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

Other books and films I heartily recommend:

And if you haven’t seen Fido, you should. It’s hilarious, and an excellent spin on zombie culture. We won!