It would appear the government has been less than secret when it comes to zombie removal. (Stimulus Money Funds U.S. Dept. of Zombie Removal (Pic))

Minneapolis Appeals Court Rules Zombies Have Right To Free Speech ‘They slowly lurched down the halls and said things like, “Get your brains here.” Everything was going great until the police showed up’ – I don’t know how I feel about this. On one hand, zombies shouldn’t even be allowed to have lower jaws. On the other hand, these were fake zombies. So, go us?

The Crazies (2010) ‘A reinvention loosely based upon the George Romero classic of the same name, The Crazies is about the inhabitants of a small Kansas town suddenly plagued by insanity and then death after a mysterious toxin contaminates their water supply.’ – George Romero knows zombies aren’t always the reanimated dead. It makes it that much messier to have to kill live humans. At least you can aim for center of mass. But double-tap for sure. And don’t drink the water.

Man bites thumb in pub brawl bite – ‘A man bit the thumb of another man so hard that he nearly severed it during a fight outside a Sydney pub.’  - You think that’s a bite? Now THIS is a bite! Only in Australia.

Conn. man bites Cambridge Hospital security officer ‘Police responded to Cambridge Hospital for reports of an assault at 4:45 p.m. and found a security staff allegedly bit by a Connecticut man. The victim’s middle finger had been bitten through a glove, had teeth marks on it and was bleeding’ – Okay, I guess it happens in New England too. Time for better, more zombie bite proof gloves.

Woman bites a chunk out of her mom’s cheek in fight A woman ‘jumped on her mother “and bit her left cheek, causing a large chunk to be rended…’ – Will you be prepared to kill your relatives in the event of infection?

It won’t be fun. It will be people you know. It may be soon. Cheers!

No Halloween tricks here, only treats.

Keen readers will note that suspected zombie activity exists, and is often overlooked by the press.

Man punches suspected zombie, flees

IOWA CITY, Iowa

Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault [on October 26th] in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice. Police said the assault occurred at 1:17 a.m. Sunday at an Iowa City restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus.

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

The victim was taken by ambulance to a hospital.

It would appear the aggressor here has been on high alert. If you’re going to attack or defend yourself from suspected zombies, you had better make sure you have the full legal right to defend yourself from personal and property harm.

Dead baby wakes up for his funeral wake

A baby boy born 16 weeks prematurely was declared dead by doctors at a hospital in Paraguay only to wake up in time for his funeral wake hours later.

“Initially, the baby didn’t move, he practically didn’t have any respiratory reflexes, nor did we hear a heartbeat and, as a result, we declared a premature fetus of 24 weeks dead,” Weber told Reuters Television.

The family was given a death certificate and a cardboard box with the baby’s name scribbled on the outside which served as a makeshift coffin.

But when the family took him from the hospital to prepare him for his funeral, the unbelievable happened.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said “the baby’s crying” … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family, Liliana Alvarenga.

Hours after the baby’s death had been declared he was found to be alive. The hospital has begun an investigation and the baby is now in a stable condition in an incubator.

Presumably, he was transferred to another hospital where his condition was upgraded to “alive”.

Pet Turtle Disease Could Spread to Humans

Oct. 5, 2009 — A researcher has identified the first Australian case of a captive turtle being infected with a highly contagious disease, which has the potential to spread to humans.

Debbie Bannan, a second year veterinary science student from James Cook University in Townsville, said she discovered the disease on an Emydura macquarii, a common species of pet turtle, which was brought to a vet clinic where she was volunteering.

She said the turtle presented with a lesion on its front forelimb, which they thought was an isolated inflammation of the bone and could be treated by amputating its limb and flipper.

“It started to rehabilitate really well,” said Bannan. “But three months after that it rapidly went downhill and reluctantly we had to euthanize it.”

Bannan said when they conducted a post-mortem, they found the turtle had a bacterial disease, called mycobacterium, that had spread throughout its entire body.

“Mycobacterium is much like staph on human skin, and it can be carried by lots of animals.”

The bacterium isn’t pathogenic until it enters the body, through air passages, cuts or the intestines, she said.

Lastly, a terribly misinformed scientific perspective of zombies.

Shoemaker: Zombie doomsday scenario is just illogical

The causes for reanimated flesh are varied and sometimes completely undefined. No matter, the end result is the same — an ever-quickening spread of walking dead consuming and converting the living to their cannibalistic ways.

We all know that zombies eat brains. It’s what they crave. It’s what motivates them to ceaselessly stalk the living and rip them to shreds in an attempt to open their skulls to get to the savory gray matter inside. Further, we know that any injury caused by one of these creatures — be it a bite or a mere scratch — is enough to turn a human into a zombie.

Yet, we also know that the only way to permanently disable a zombie (to kill one, as it were) is to shoot it in the head, or decapitate it, or cause enough trauma to the cranium so as to destroy the brain. Burning works well, too.

Do you now see the lack of logic behind the zombies-overrunning-humanity scenario? If zombies eat brains, and the destruction of the brain is the only thing to kill a zombie, then how could zombie-itis ever sweep over humanity and wipe them out? Motivated only for the neuro-smorgasboard that the living are to them, zombies would be negating their own spread by destroying potential zombies in their feeding frenzy.

Well put professor, but we’re on the lookout for aggressive, crazed, highly infectuous and potentially lethal, very alive humans. They have no taste for brains, only a taste of madness. However, I bet your brains are delicious.

I’ve taken to wearing my kukri around town more often, strapped to my thigh. It’s easier to claim “religious use” than a firearm.

I was asked on the Red Bar Radio show “how much have I spent so far on something that doesn’t exist”.

Not enough.

SCIENCE: When the zombies attack, it will lead to the collapse of civilization unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

How long will civilization have in a zombie attack? A city with a population around 500,000 will have between three and eight days before irreversible catastrophe. This report is based on a well researched, though fictionalized outbreak of the reanimation of the dead. While an uprising of the dead is highly improbable, it remains that a highly contagious and infectious zombie cause could have similar results.

The report was written by several Mathematicians in Canada, notably Robert J. Smith?, an Austrailian who probably sang backup for ? and The Mysterians.  P. Munz, I. Hudea, J. Imad and R.J. Smith? When zombies attack!: Mathematical modelling of an outbreak of zombie infection (PDF)

The researchers chose “classic” slow-moving zombies as our opponents rather than the nimble, fast, and somewhat intelligent creatures portrayed in recent films. “While we are trying to be as broad as possible in modelling zombies – especially as there are many variables – we have decided not to consider these individuals,” the researchers said. This is a fatal flaw in the report, as contagious, “fast” zombies have a 100% chance of happening, over the highly improbably undead.

One should take note on the rising global consciousness of zombies tthrough fear, research, art (through film and literature) and popular culture.  Several keen readers and friends have forwarded me the document, and it has been written about on several blogs and has made the news, including the BBC.

Zombie Epidemiology

Science ponders ‘zombie attack’ (BBC)

Science Proves Zombies Will Kill Us All (Asylum.com)

Scientists claim ‘zombie attack’ would collapse civilization (Current.com)

Mathematical Model for Surviving a Zombie Attack (Wired)

These pieces of information, however, require further research and your immediate concern:

Patient accused of biting off doctor’s fingertip, which is similar to this zombie sighting in May 2009:  Zombie Bite in New Orleans.

Woman Sets Self On Fire In Mall

Zombies aren’t necessarily undead, reanimated ghouls. Research at The Undead Report indicates zombies can be infected, crazed, uncontrollable rabid humans. You want to be sure one of them is dead? Aim for the head. Don’t stand there and let them bite you, infectious or not!

Joseph Lancellotti, a 67 year old greater New Orleans man was gardening at his home when a crazed man gibbering in Spanish ran up to him, hitting him in the head. During Lancellotti’s valiant struggle using a rake for defense, the strange man bit his arm and swallowed the flesh.

Bit his arm, and swallowed the flesh.

The crazed man, later identified as Mario Vargas, 48 hung around and made no attempt to flee when police officers arrived at the scene. Forty five minutes earlier, he had been released from a local hospital for a finger injury.  What was that injury? What happened after his release and before the attack? Did hospital staff not notice something strange?

His wife, Bonnie Lancellotti obviously notes “This person’s clearly lost his sense, I mean, what else can you say, eating people’s skin?”

Lost his sense, lost his mind, or lost his human functions?

If you haven’t seen “Quarantine”, I highly suggest you do. Besides being a solidly produced horror film, it’s realistic, shot first-person, and is quite an accurate description of what a zombie outbreak might look like: infected, crazed people feeling no pain, acting on instinct and being strange. And eating you.

Stranger takes bite of gardener’s arm

Chattanooga — The name may sound like something you’d hear a zombie moan as its mucus and pus filled maw begins to nom on your brains, but the clever denizens of this Tennessee town have their stuff together.

According to the Chattanooga Pulse, city hall won’t be having any organized zombie marches parading trough town.

City Hall has no official comment, but an unidentified source states that, “The city of Chattanooga will not tolerate zombies. What if one of those bloodthirsty monsters tries to eat a child? What if one of our venerable elderly citizens witnesses one of those horrible creatures walking across the Walnut Street Bridge and has a heart attack? We can’t let those freaks roam about in public freely; they need to continue to live in the shadows.”

City Hall Stops Zombie Invasion

And in Florida (God’s waiting room), the undead have been having a field day picking off old people. Ya gotta love that someone’s lessening the fear by passing it off as an April Fools article. If a real person from Florida didn’t see that headline, their pacemaker would probably up and fizzle right then.

“They came outta nowhere,” New Birmingham resident Ronald Frobnitz exclaimed, pointing to the woods that border Woodhaven Circle in Jacksonville. “Shufflin’ and moanin’ something that sounded a lot like ‘braaaiiinnns.’

“They caught wind of us and slouched our way. I hollered ‘don’t look Ethyl,’ but it was too late, she’d done been chomped.”

Frobnitz and his friend Ethyl N. Glykol were doing a quiet spot of feral hog trapping on Woodhaven Circle this morning, when he claims they were attacked by “the living dead.”

I appreciate the editor’s tagline at the end of the article:

Medical professionals continue to deny the threat of a zombie outbreak is real — but what do they know, really? The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Reece Daniel, the Zombie Squad and Woodhaven Circle’s feral hog problems are real.

Living dead attack couple on outskirts of Jacksonville

March 14, 2009, Chicago.

A small horde of approximately 50 to 60 zombies was seen, of all places, at a bowling alley on a Saturday night. No reported outbreaks have happened since, and infection was kept to a minimum. Luckily I came prepared to kick some ass with a trusty rifle, sidearm, ninja sword and an endless supply of head smashing bowling balls. Sadly, I was the only zombie hunter in the place, but I rather prefer it that way as I don’t want anyone taking my headshots.

Wildclaw Theatre‘s zombie bowling night was a huge success full of beer, balls and brains. It was a fantastic alternative for many to be zombified and drunk, instead of the normal St Pat’s stupid and drunk. As mentioned before I was a little disappointed to see I was the only survivor amongst the crowd, but I have a mission of survival to represent, bowling balls, Nerf guns and all. I brought a stack of zombie targets to generate some hype, and they were very well received.

There was a table full of prizes and shwag, awarded throughout the night during movie trivia contests, scream compeitions, beauty pageants and more.  A young girl owned first place in the screaming contest with an almost inhuman high pitched ear splitting shrill. Nice. Wildclaw had a table setup where they were making up zombies and covering them in my favorite ice cream topping: blood and gore. There was the ironic zombie with a “Get More Out Of Life” t-shirt. Another zombie bowler mistakenly thought it could bowl with a severed human head in its bowling bag, St Patrick’s day parade beads still hanging from its’ lifeless form. Several other zombies died particualrly gruesome deaths with miscellanous devices sticking from their corpses such as screws and butcher knives. Kitty Zombie from Chicago’s Zombie Army Productions made a groan filled appearance.

The event was a fundraiser for Wildclaw’s upcoming April production of a zombie play, The Revenants, by by Scott T. Barsotti. The Revenants will be about a small group of people who must survive the holocaust and come to grips with their own lives and salvation. “As wounded spouses take a turn for the worse, husbands and wives must ask of each other: When does love die?”

Stay tuned in April for some classy zombie madness.

Now, on to the photos of zombie bowling!

Making the rounds on the zombie web is a hacked road sign in Austin, Texas reading “Zombies Ahead”.

Fantastic, this is an excellent idea and warning of things to come. While I cannot condone any illegal activites, the know how to change a road sign could be very useful in the event of zombie outbreak or space radiation attack. If you are aware of an outbreak and feel inclined to adjust road banners, make sure you keep the exisiting message and place your warning on a separate page. You don’t want people to avoid the zombies only to be unaware that the bridge is out!

Updated info after the jump!

While most road sign control pads are placed in a lock box, it’s seldom locked and rarely under password protection. The password is ususally the default code “DOTS”—or you can easily reset the password by holding “shift” and “control” while typing “DIPY” (so that it just defaults to “DOTS” again).

Many of the road signs are powered by a small generator, but there are some solar powered models. These can be very useful during an apocalypse – you’re not going to run out of sun (nuclear winter excepted). Do your homework, stay alert.

Resources

Inside Programmable Road Signs 

Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

Update 2009-01-31: More Warnings

Things are starting to look a little sketchy. Perhaps Austin is really under attack and the news reports and images are disbeleiver’s shock, or a cover up. Images below. The idea of nazi zombies is particularly distressing. What is this, Return to Castle Wolfenstein? Time to break out the zombie targets.

Update 2009-02-03: Illinois Zombies

UDR reader Coral writes in that “zombie” road signs are seen in Illinois. The hacking and sighting menace continues across the USA.

Sign warns Illinois drivers about zombies

The Illinois freeways have apparently been taken over – ‘conquered’ if you will – by a master race of commuter zombies. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive IDOT workers or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the zombies will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new undead overlords. I’d like to remind them as a trusted blogging personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground brain mines.

News in from the UK, from the Daily Mail: Zombies are found in the sewers. Staff at a sewage treatment facility in Eastbourne, East Sussex, UK have reported strange sightings, feelings and paranoia underground. Employees report they have been scared to enter tunnels after being followed about by a “humanoid figure”. A parapsychologist was brought in to investigate the incidents.

A paraspychologist? We’re talking ZOMBIES here, not Casper, Zool or the Ninja Turtles.

Zombies aren’t ghosts. They’re dead or crazed infected people who pose a major threat to life and civilization. The psychic reports “one particular area (is) giving people the creeps. People have seen and felt things… A lot of people don’t like going in there. You can hear voices in the tunnels.” The Undead Report won’t debate about psychic validity, ghosts or feelings, focusing instead on the dangers and scientific validity of the zombie. There may be strange electromagnetism fooling with peoples brains, perhaps even funny smells and gasses in the sewer are causing zombie apparations. However, when you hear voices and report being followed, it’s something a little more concrete for people to investigate. You must be prepared.

The importance of anti-zombie measures must be stressed. All it takes is a single zombie or undead to bring about the plague from hell. Human beings are fragile systems and our bodies have grown complacent over the years through our advances in medical technology, disease eradication and life expectancy. We’ve grown weak and over populated, all it takes is one opportunistic virus to turn one of us into a sewer crawling ghoul.

Parapsychologists can’t hold a seance to get rid of a zombie. That’s what bullets are for.

Ghostbuster called in after sewage workers stalked by ‘zombie’ in underground tunnels