Here’s some science of the new decade for you: how about draining pigs of their blood, making them clinically dead, and then bringing them back to life?

Naturally, this is a military project, and those always end well. The theory goes, if you drain a pig (which has a physiology similar to humans) of blood and replace it with a cocktail of hydrogen sulfide, you will extend the “golden period” where life saving surgery and medical treatment are possible. Basically, you shut down the brain and heart, placing the patient in suspended animation, and bring them back later.

Dr Matthew Miller working on the project states: “Everybody’s talking about the military use of this, and that’s our focus now.” He continues, “but really, this could be much, much bigger than that.”

This will surely save lives on the battlefield if perfected, but at what cost? Where does mental deterioration and unstable psychosis set in? Agreed, this could be a stretch, but this reanimation research continues.

With a 15-person team working exclusively on this project, successful results are expected within 18 months. “Darpa wants this to happen yesterday, because it was needed yesterday,” Dr. Miller said. Once the team comes up with the right elixir, it’ll undergo federally mandated safety testing. After that, the vaccine will be sent to the battlefield for application to live humans.

One may call it suspended animation, life extension or a zombie vaccine, but the science and research into extended life after death continues.

Resources

Pentagon: Zombie Pigs First, Then Hibernating Soldiers (Wired)

Pentagon Plans Zombie Pig Project: Night of the Living Swine? (Gadget review)

Second Illustration: Marmoto

No Halloween tricks here, only treats.

Keen readers will note that suspected zombie activity exists, and is often overlooked by the press.

Man punches suspected zombie, flees

IOWA CITY, Iowa

Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault [on October 26th] in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice. Police said the assault occurred at 1:17 a.m. Sunday at an Iowa City restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus.

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

The victim was taken by ambulance to a hospital.

It would appear the aggressor here has been on high alert. If you’re going to attack or defend yourself from suspected zombies, you had better make sure you have the full legal right to defend yourself from personal and property harm.

Dead baby wakes up for his funeral wake

A baby boy born 16 weeks prematurely was declared dead by doctors at a hospital in Paraguay only to wake up in time for his funeral wake hours later.

“Initially, the baby didn’t move, he practically didn’t have any respiratory reflexes, nor did we hear a heartbeat and, as a result, we declared a premature fetus of 24 weeks dead,” Weber told Reuters Television.

The family was given a death certificate and a cardboard box with the baby’s name scribbled on the outside which served as a makeshift coffin.

But when the family took him from the hospital to prepare him for his funeral, the unbelievable happened.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said “the baby’s crying” … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family, Liliana Alvarenga.

Hours after the baby’s death had been declared he was found to be alive. The hospital has begun an investigation and the baby is now in a stable condition in an incubator.

Presumably, he was transferred to another hospital where his condition was upgraded to “alive”.

Pet Turtle Disease Could Spread to Humans

Oct. 5, 2009 — A researcher has identified the first Australian case of a captive turtle being infected with a highly contagious disease, which has the potential to spread to humans.

Debbie Bannan, a second year veterinary science student from James Cook University in Townsville, said she discovered the disease on an Emydura macquarii, a common species of pet turtle, which was brought to a vet clinic where she was volunteering.

She said the turtle presented with a lesion on its front forelimb, which they thought was an isolated inflammation of the bone and could be treated by amputating its limb and flipper.

“It started to rehabilitate really well,” said Bannan. “But three months after that it rapidly went downhill and reluctantly we had to euthanize it.”

Bannan said when they conducted a post-mortem, they found the turtle had a bacterial disease, called mycobacterium, that had spread throughout its entire body.

“Mycobacterium is much like staph on human skin, and it can be carried by lots of animals.”

The bacterium isn’t pathogenic until it enters the body, through air passages, cuts or the intestines, she said.

Lastly, a terribly misinformed scientific perspective of zombies.

Shoemaker: Zombie doomsday scenario is just illogical

The causes for reanimated flesh are varied and sometimes completely undefined. No matter, the end result is the same — an ever-quickening spread of walking dead consuming and converting the living to their cannibalistic ways.

We all know that zombies eat brains. It’s what they crave. It’s what motivates them to ceaselessly stalk the living and rip them to shreds in an attempt to open their skulls to get to the savory gray matter inside. Further, we know that any injury caused by one of these creatures — be it a bite or a mere scratch — is enough to turn a human into a zombie.

Yet, we also know that the only way to permanently disable a zombie (to kill one, as it were) is to shoot it in the head, or decapitate it, or cause enough trauma to the cranium so as to destroy the brain. Burning works well, too.

Do you now see the lack of logic behind the zombies-overrunning-humanity scenario? If zombies eat brains, and the destruction of the brain is the only thing to kill a zombie, then how could zombie-itis ever sweep over humanity and wipe them out? Motivated only for the neuro-smorgasboard that the living are to them, zombies would be negating their own spread by destroying potential zombies in their feeding frenzy.

Well put professor, but we’re on the lookout for aggressive, crazed, highly infectuous and potentially lethal, very alive humans. They have no taste for brains, only a taste of madness. However, I bet your brains are delicious.

I’ve taken to wearing my kukri around town more often, strapped to my thigh. It’s easier to claim “religious use” than a firearm.

I was asked on the Red Bar Radio show “how much have I spent so far on something that doesn’t exist”.

Not enough.

Undead or infected? Horror movie puritanism or scientific reality? Discussion and debate surrounds not which makes a better film, but which is more likely to happen. You can blame science. The zombie outbreak will most likely be the result of some experiment gone wrong, an adaptive virus, or horrible pathogen. Save a giant UFO hiding behind a comet that animates dead bodies instead of trucks and electric knives, many of us will die by actual, angry, infected humans.

Some possible, semi-grounded in science explanaitons, as offered by Cracked.com:

• Brain parasites  - i.e. Toxoplasma gondii, or Naegleria fowleri.
• Neurotoxins – (Tetrodotoxin, though this just induces a coma-like, non threatening state).
• Adaptaive and aggressive rabies strain or other neurotropic virus  (resulting in aggressive and contagious rabies like symptoms).
• Neurogenesis (recreation and reanimation of brain cells).
• Nanobots (though not a traditional infection, imagine a Terminator like apiocalypse, only with hundreds of thousands of self-replicating, human hating machines).
• Immortal cells - i.e. Helacyton gartleri cancer cells which do not die.

There won’t be reanimated corpses. If you survive the infection, you will be murdering alive, and perhaps conscious humans.

Mr. T is half right. There will be no reanimated corpses. Muscle movement depends upon Adenosine Triphosphate, which depends on flowing, oxygenated blood. Yet Mr. T. overlooks one essential fact: ATP is still be produced by very much alive, maddened and sickened humans. These humans may run fast or slow, but they won’t be dead.

For some horror and zombie purists, no “infected” or fast zombie is a true zombie, they insist only the George Romero Night of the Living Dead slow moving reanimated corpses are actual zombies. These purists often claim the fast running new Dawn of the Dead undead are a new invention and should be left to die. The opposing and newer Danny Boyle 28 Days Later school says zombies are fast running, “rage” virus infected, living humans, and differentiates so by calling them “infected” instead of “zombies”. Unfortunately, the Romero zombie (with a possible exception for voodoo) is only a zombie of film. The virus or disease infected zombie is much more probable. However, the undead and fast running, leaping, Boomer, Smoker, Witch, Tank or Hunter zombies must remain in Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil.

Your zombies will be very much alive, and they will be maddened and they will probably not feel or be aware of pain. They could seek you out, potentially in groups, though solitary or unmindful of other infected is also possible. They will not want to eat your brains, they will only want to viciously attack and bite anything that gets near them. Imagine the cross between a rabid wolverine and a violent, knife weilding psychopath. That’s your zombie, and he or she will be contagious. Headhsots will certainly bring them down, as will multiple center of mass shots, but they will take many bullets before they are terminated.

You’ll need to worry about the people who don’t know they are harbingers of the virus, carriers of disease, or bringers of parasties. Who in your party can you trust? Did that bite really break the skin? Taking care of hordes of the undead may sound like fun, but mom won’t be dead. She’s still your mom. And dad didn’t tell you yet, but she’s pregnant with your baby sister. Are you sure you’re up to this?

Zombies aren’t necessarily undead, reanimated ghouls. Research at The Undead Report indicates zombies can be infected, crazed, uncontrollable rabid humans. You want to be sure one of them is dead? Aim for the head. Don’t stand there and let them bite you, infectious or not!

Joseph Lancellotti, a 67 year old greater New Orleans man was gardening at his home when a crazed man gibbering in Spanish ran up to him, hitting him in the head. During Lancellotti’s valiant struggle using a rake for defense, the strange man bit his arm and swallowed the flesh.

Bit his arm, and swallowed the flesh.

The crazed man, later identified as Mario Vargas, 48 hung around and made no attempt to flee when police officers arrived at the scene. Forty five minutes earlier, he had been released from a local hospital for a finger injury.  What was that injury? What happened after his release and before the attack? Did hospital staff not notice something strange?

His wife, Bonnie Lancellotti obviously notes “This person’s clearly lost his sense, I mean, what else can you say, eating people’s skin?”

Lost his sense, lost his mind, or lost his human functions?

If you haven’t seen “Quarantine”, I highly suggest you do. Besides being a solidly produced horror film, it’s realistic, shot first-person, and is quite an accurate description of what a zombie outbreak might look like: infected, crazed people feeling no pain, acting on instinct and being strange. And eating you.

Stranger takes bite of gardener’s arm

If you’ve survived last night, that must mean either A) you don’t live in Flint or Detroit or B) they’re just not burning buildings like they used to anymore.

Zombie Walk

Devil’s Night in Grand Rapids Michigan was a bit more placid than usual. Instead of burning churches like they ususally do, the teeming masses of socially repressed youth and ne’er do-wells rose up against the system by becoming… ZOMBIES.

A world record zombie walk was held last night, with near FOUR THOUSAND zombies shambling about the city. For more information, check out the following articles, and this film clip.

Zombie Walk brings out the dead in downtown Grand Rapids

World Record Zombie Walk, Grand Rapids, MI 

Toxic Blood

Riverside California, 1994: A sick woman is admitted to the ER, with a highly elevated heart rate, rapidly decreasing blood pressure and incoherent speech. Nurses drawing blood notice manila colored particles in her blood. Then they notice the deathly, checmical and ammonia smell coming from it. Then their faces feel burning, they pass out and wake up in uncontrollable convulsions. The hospital is evacuated, and a fully-suited  hazmat team is brought in to manage the strange occurances.

Her blood ends up putting five people in the hospital, some in intensive care, and others suffering from avascular necrosis, a condition in which bone tissue is starved of blood and begins to die. Read that again: the chemicals swirling around in this womans blood, when exposed to air, caused people to pass out, become overwhelmingly sick, and kill their bones. Forensic scientists and several goverment agencies never reached a conclusion (or suppressed their findings) as to what happened to her blood and body.

Analysis of a Toxic Death at Discover Magazine

Halloween Podcast

In case you missed it on the 29th, Red Bar Radio in Chicago interviewed me on their Halloween show. Think shock jocks and real raunchy radio, but they were certainly interested in what I had to say. Either that, or they were a bit disturbed about my waving a knife around and showing up in military gear.

Red Bar Radio podcast – Warning: raunchy, sick humor.

For the sake of this argument, I will be referring to a zombie as not a member of the undead, but rather human bodies acting seemingly without a will of their own, with an intention to consume, destroy, or otherwise cause general grief to the remaining human populace.

Zombies in popular culture form three distinct classes:

• Walking Dead – undead, walking dead or reanimated corpses
• Viral – viral, parasitic or infected humans
• Scientific – scientifically altered humans, through radiation, poisons or drugs, or psychic conditioning

The Walking Dead

Our current understanding of human physiology, biology and chemistry tell us that a human corpse cannot rise, reactivate or in any other way reanimate. There must exist an external stimulus to bring about reanimation. If such a stimulus succeeds in reanimating a corpse though electricity, nutrient rich serum, or some strange radioactive measure, the corpse will still have difficulty with life support. A reanimated brain can function and provide basic skills such as breathing, blood pumping and simple motor skills, operating on a primitive, feral level. The reanimated head and brain show signs of smell, taste hearing and sight. This is evidenced by previous Soviet and current American experiments. An undead person would have one thought: feed to keep the body moving. The only problem is, the entire body would also be reanimated and would need energy to survive, much like any other human does. Air, water, food. Assuming a physiology like that of the living, a heart shot would be just as effective in destroying the undead. Muscles need air and energy, and this is pumped by the blood.

Undead Physiology

If the physiology of the undead changes, it is a different matter. Muscles can operate through electricity alone, that’s how they work at the most basic level. Apply a current and a muscle will tense; remove it and it will relax. Corpses always contain rot and the organisms involved in breaking down dead tissue. If the process in reanimating the corpse causes its brain to be active and conduct electricty, the body is essentially a walking meat-machine. The organisms and acids responsible for breakdown of the body will still be present. The moving muscles of the body will produce enough heat to slow or halt the decomposition. The remaining bacteria will remain internal, and begin slowly decomposing the body from the inside. An introduction of warm flesh (human or other mammals) to the zombies digestive system will prevent the necrotizing organisms from eating the zombie. Necessary energies for locomotion would be converted from the byproducts of digesting fresh flesh, and absorbed through the decaying flesh.

If radiation is involved, certain properties could dispel decomposition or produce mutations responsible for an adaptive physiology. In either situatuation, the corpse is not conscious. It would operate on an instinctual level that could include self-preservation through an aggressive nature. It would be more efficient to use muscles slowly, but short bursts of strength or speed could be produced.

Undead Transmission

If the cause of a reanimated corpse is through scientific methods such as resuscitation, electrical reanimation or means as yet uncovered, infectious transmission will probably be nil, as the means of reanimation will be artificial.

However, if the zombies saliva, greymatter or blood contains a toxic solution or causes mutation of the host’s physiology, infection could occur. Transmission of disease and horrible toxins can cause a rapid sickness in a bitten victim, causing death. They may not awaken as a zombie, but could certainly be susceptible to the same factors that reanimated earlier corpses.

Parasitic Infections

There exist in nature certain organisms that cause paralysis, altered survival, behavioral and sexual patterns and can evenmake their host suicidal. They use either toxins, neural paralysis or behave as parasites to cause their host to enter a state of zombism, sacrificing itself for the reproductive nature of the parasite.

Zombie-state Causes

The emerald cockroach wasp (Ampulex compressa) is a parasitoid wasp that temporarily paralyzes cockroaches, and takes careful aim at the roaches brain, nullifying its evasive response. The wasp then controls the roach through its antennae, much like a dog on a leash. It steers the heavy roach to its lair, where the wasp lays eggs that later hatch and eat their way out.

Similarly, an unclassified species of Costa Rican wasp attacks an orb weaving spider, which is temporarily paralyzed as it lays eggs on the tip of the spider’s abdomen. On the night before the parasitic larvae kill their host, normal web-weaving events take a bizarre turn. Through some unknown mechanism, the larvae compel their host spider to build a web that is very different from that it has always constructed before – the spider builds a stout, reinforced platform which is much smaller. When the new web is complete, the larvae kill their host, and cocoon themselves on the structure.

Toxoplasma gondii is a species of parasitic protozoa that has an interesting means of reproduction. It has the ability to change the behavior of rats and mice, making them drawn to, rather than fearful of, the scent of cats. This effect is advantageous to the parasite, which will be able to sexually reproduce if its host is eaten by a cat. The infection is almost surgical in its precision. Human behavior may also be affected in some ways, and correlations have been found between latent Toxoplasma infections and various characteristics such as decreased reactionary time, feelings of insecurity, neuroticism, and possibly even cases of schizophrenia and paranoia. T. gondii is also correlated strongly with an increase in boy births in humans, leading to an alteration of the human sex proportion. Other possible behavior modifications are suggested by a study suggesting that people not infected with the parasite found women with toxoplasma more attractive. Similarly, brain eating amoeba cause death in humans – and show little signs until its too late.

On a larger scale, the nematomorph hairworm (Spinochordodes tellinii) hairworm lives and breeds in fresh water. However, it spends a part of its life eating the insides of live grasshoppers and then brainwashing the grasshopper into committing suicide by hopping into a pool of water and drowning.

Rabies. Need I mention this? It already carries the common traits of traditional Zombism. Rabies lives in the brain, is transmitted through infectious saliva and alters an animals mind to produce an aggresive, rage filled state. Infections in humans also can cause paralysis, hydrophobia and hallucinations.

Admittedly, a parasitic brain-stabbing wasp or hairworm has quite a leap to go from a simple insect to a human host. It is within reason to assume that such a wasp could attempt an attack on small mammals or otherwise mutate or evolve its patterns if roaches are in low supply or develop counter-tactics. As mammals don’t have antennae their ability to steer one is a bit of a stretch. Yet, a mammalian host is still receptive to being internally devoured by wasp larvae or hairworms. With an effective species jump, the hairworm could cause mammals to produce similar suicidal traits. Neither of these would result in zombism, but serve to illustrate brain chemistry and that an organisms behavior can be modified to that of even the smallest parasite. T. gondii’s decreasing the male populous is interesting, as it shows even homo sapiens is suceptible to mind and biology altering parasites.

Zombie Parasite Transmission

Rabies serves as the most interesting and most likely candidate for infectious parasitic zombism. While not a zombie in the conventional undead sense, all the characteristcs would be displayed, mainly an aggressive nature, infected brain matter, and transmission through saliva. Infected humans of a mutated or even radioactive strain of rabies would definitely exhibit these feral symptoms – and would probably be fast too. As shown in the remake of “Dawn of the Dead” or the “28 Days Later” movies, fast zombies are a real problem. Though a “zombie” in thoughtless, rage filled terms, a headshot will still bring these humans down. Heart and body shots are another matter – filled with adrenaline and crazed, they may exhibit symptoms of “quislings” and not be brought down as easily as uninfected humans.

Scientifically Altered States

The third, and most probable cause (though mush less dangerous) is through an altered state of consciousness. George A. Romero or John Carpenter would have us believe we’re already in this state if commercialism, suburbanites and mass apathy are any indication. However, I am referring to altered brain and body states as induced by hypnosis or toxins.

Altered Consciousness

As documented in “The Serpent and the Rainbow”, the tetrodotoxin (TTX) of the puffer fish can be used by voodoo priests to cause a zombie-like state of near death. TTX is a highly potent neurotoxin which causes paralysis and eventual death. Gram for gram, TTX is 10,000 times more lethal than cyanide and posesses a terrifying modus operandi — 25 minutes after exposure it begins to paralyze, leaving the brain fully aware of what’s happening. Death usually results, within hours, from suffocation or heart failure. No antidote exists. A victim pronounced dead can be lucky enough to wake up just before his funeral, fully conscious and aware of his surroundings throughout the entire ordeal. TTX has the unusual characteristic that if a nonlethal dose is given, the brain will remain completely unaffected. If just the right dose is given, the toxin will mimic death in the victim, whose vitals will slow to an immeasurable state, and whose body will show signs of rigor mortis and even produce the odor of rot.

Methods induced by sickness, hypnosis or raditation could produce a similar, slowed-brained result. In either case, the zombified person would be neither dead nor aggressive (unless provoked or instructed to be), most likely a threat only to his or herself.

Transmission

Transmission of this type of zombie would be impossible, as the source of zombification remains with the host – either through poisoning or hypnosis. This is non-transferrable and the process could in fact be reversed with proper medical care or a well-placed snipers bullet. This type of zombism is seen as the only plausible kind, and skeptics debunk it as a world-ender much as I have. However, they fail to mention the above methods.

Conclusion

Voodoo zombies remain a curse – but only in the literary sense. Throughly studied, they pose no threat to humankind. Research into reanimating or resuscitating the recently deceased is under investigation and has been in practice since the 1940′s – but no serious headway has been made, and the physiology of keeping some dead thing alive takes a bit of a stretch – but could be possible.

The most probable cause of a zombie pandemic would be through an opportunistic or mutated parasitic organism or virus. Virii remain the dominant form of life on the planet, able to quickly mutate, adapt and change to live (and kill) a variety of hosts. Vaccination serves little purpose and would only serve as an opiate or pacifying agent – much like “Phalanx” in Max Brooks’ “World War Z”. The cause of zombies in his world is through a virus called “Solanum” which reanimates corpses, turning their blood to goo and bears many of the same characteristics of zombies.

Should any of the discussed sources merge or attack at the same time – science help us. Stay away from rabid dogs, eh?

Resources

• Cinema Fiction vs. Physics Reality
• CDC Rabies Just 4 Kids
• Wasp performs roach-brain-surgery to make zombie slave-roaches
• Toxoplasma gondii
• Mind-Controlling Wasps and Zombie Spiders
• How Zombies Work

The 2012 thing – if you’re reading this article, chances are you’re already familiar with it. The 2012 thing refers to the conveniently predicted end-of-the-world or great change coming December 21st, 2012. Many apocalypse theories are vague and dark, leaving many details rough, ambiguous and open to interpretation. The 2012 eschaton comes from several cultures and gives us a very certain date to prepare not necessarily for the end of existence or the world, but “the end of the world as we know it” – TEOTWAWKI.

Prophecies aside, how does 2012 relate to a zombie apocalypse? Certainly our world could be forever changed on this date by an unnoticed eschatological asteroid, disease or terrible quaking of the earth. The walking dead? Also plausible. Current scientific research into disease, reanimation and cellular re-genesis is progressing as rapidly as other scientific disciplines. Particularly terrifying is the reanimation of the 1918 Spanish influenza virus, responsible for a pandemic that killed an estimated 20 million people. Scientists have gathered important new clues to why the virus spread quickly and killed efficiently (though its use as a bio-weapon has not been confirmed). The viral resurrection is brought about for research and a vaccine against itself – which of course has already been eradicated – and the virus is being harvested from corpses, notably the body of a woman buried in the Alaskan permafrost. Unchecked adaptive and opportunistic pathogens claim a definite component of our eschaton, and an escaped weaponized version will most certainly wreak havoc against an unprepared and innocent populace. There’s no guarantee the new vaccine will work well on humans, a problem because nobody born after 1930 is immune to the 1918 strain.

The physical walking dead demand a certain suspense of disbelief of course. Assuming a plausible 20% of the worlds population has been infected by a terminal pathogen, our fragile infrastructure and socioeconomic systems will begin to break down as well. Weakened immune systems will render humans more susceptible to the likes of Trypanosoma brucei, a parasite that carries nightmarish qualities, reducing many of its victims to a zombie-like state before they slip into a coma and die. Toxoplasma gondii can alter brain functions in rats, leading them to the jaws of cats – and in humans can change brain patterns to induce neuroses, paranoia and schizophrenia. Left with a rotting brain and primitive fight-or-flight instincts, an entire populace can be reduced to weakened lumbering shadows of humans, stumbling around for food. Not actually dead or undead, these stupefied humans will be harbingers of disease, parasites, bacteria and infectious rot, whose saliva and blood will be rich with zombifying toxins.

Disease ridden walking corpses are one thing. Reanimating brain-dead humans has been discussed before and is a very real possibility. Restoring a human from a cryogenic stasis and reanimating their dying brain tissue yields the possibility that a human may not be the same as they were when they expired. This leaves much speculation as to a reanimated form of a human being, but combined with the virii and diseases mentioned above – you get the idea.

Five years is a fine timeframe for viruses to be developed and mutate as well as science achieving groundbreaking results in reanimation. “Where will I be in five years?” Loading shotguns and pistols seems like a nice course of action, but they’re more for your protection against opportunistic looters, crazies and deranged survivors rather than walking corpses. In five years I will be watching the news with cautious eyes – and stocking up like I would for any emergency.

Guns and beer.

• Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Pandemic Influenza Virus
• Scientists Describe How 1918 Influenza Virus Sample Was Exhumed In Alaska
• Reanimated Infection
• The disease that makes people zombies
• Toxoplasmosis

Check these out if your brain is hungry for more:

This assumes zombie cells are not immortal. There exists a certain type of cell that doesn’t break down. In fact, it’s IMMORTAL.  They can copy and reproduce without mutation or error and can split indefinitely, causing no breakdown of the original, in theory consuming everything they can and replicating to the point of infinity. These immortal cells exist and for now have been a gift upon science – we can experiment and develop vaccines. Left unchecked, the cells become a plague upon cultures and taint results. This particular immortal cell is called “Helacyton gartleri”, and it comes from a dead woman. In fact, there are more cells of this cancer than there ever were in this woman. A part of this woman lives forever, continuing to eat and replicate. Like a zombie.

These peculiar, though not undead, cells are from an average woman named Henrietta Lacks, who died in 1951. The same cells pulled from her cervical cancer (from HPV) are still alive. These cells, called HeLa, are common in biological research and are still being grown in an unbroken lineage from the original cells over 50 years ago. They’re used in cancer research, vaccination development, and can reproduce faster than other cancerous cells. They consume, excrete, and will be here a thousand years from now still alive, along with the original culture from 1951. That’s right – for all intents and purposes, her cancer cells are zombies.

HeLa cells can even be classified as a new species - Helacyton gartleri – spontaneously arisen from Lacks. The exhibit the following factors:

• The chromosomal incompatibility of HeLa cells with humans.
• The ecological niche of HeLa cells.
• Their ability to persist and expand well beyond the desires of human cultivators.

Zombies are also incompatible with humans, this is an obvious point. The undead also have their own ecological niche – the ability to survive in most any clime, and the ability to consume most any flesh to add to their own hideously decaying cell structure. And the third point is also obvious – zombies are quite uncontrollable beyond human expectations.

Thus HeLa cells may have a cousin – that of the immortal zombie. If your brain tissue and brain stem become like HeLa, they will also live forever continuing those basic functions of motor skills and eating indefinitely – which is why I again stress that severing the base of the head and neck is most important. Brain cells are grown through neurogensis from brain stem cells, and if these cells take on the qualities of HeLa cells – well, you get the idea. A person is dead, but their brain will keep living – and feeding.

All we need next are scientists to experiment with manually regrowing dead brain cells.

Have you considered its openings to the outside environment? I’m talking of course about your nose. Nice, wide open passages right to your delicious brain for the rightly adaptive hungry creature – single celled, undead or otherwise. Take for instance, our friendly ancestor The Amoeba.

A particular strain of amoeba called Naegleria fowleri is well suited to the task of brain eating. Stealthy brain eating. You can pick up this friendly little guy just swimmig in a lake. Symptoms include stiff neck, headaches and fevers. Nothing too peculiar, until YOU DIE. This particular brain eating organism is usually found in warmer climates and warm water. Brain eating infection occurs rarely, according to the CDC – just 2.5 times a year between 1995 and 2004. It is interesting to note that there have been six victims to the zombie amoeba this year alone.

Take for instance, poor little Aaron Evans of Lake Havasu, AZ. Aaron, 14, went for a swim in a local lake and was dead a week later, his brain eaten. EATEN. If one of the simplest forms of amoeba can evolve to have a particular thirst for brains, how else can it evolve? Scientists have found that certain traits in humans are leftover from millions of years ago, when we were primitive monkey-like creatures. Or if you prefer, they were designed into us. Whatever. The point is, this particular hunger and thirst for brains could lie dormant in our evolutionary cellular memory.

We know humans eat some animal brains. It’s been done. Of course, human brain meat is especially toxic and harbors disease and other bad things you don’t want to ingest. I’m not suggesting such an amoeba is responsible for reanimating tissue and craving brains; that’s foolishness. it’s not a far stretch to claim a particular variant or sub-species of this amoeba could evolve into something much more terrifying. After all, why have one brain when you could eat many, many more. Spontaneous mutation is, of course, a rarity, as it is seldom useful. A certain type of organism is already known to alter brain structure – the hairworm parasite brainwashes grasshoppers into committing suicide so the parasite may reproduce.

Until science further understands Naegleria fowleri, our brains are suspect to a deadly, invisible brain-eating killer. I’ll be staying out of warm stagnant water from now on.