Rule #1: Cardio. If you want to survive the zombie apocalypse, any apocalypse, or just make it to the top of your staircase without getting winded, you need to be in shape. And if the top of that staircase leads to an open rooftop with Zacks on your trail, you’ll need to jump and land with precision. That’s why training, parkour (urban free running) and good health are essential. Your best offense is escape and evasion, and with that, the good people of St Charles, IL are up to speed.

Rich Gatz, is a 28-year-old lawyer who founded Zombiefit in October of 09.  Zombiefit is a fitness program designed to create and enhance physical skills necessary for a world gone mad with slow or fast zombies, bent on destruction and eating the human race.

What if you woke up tomorrow to find your city overridden with zombies, would you survive? This may seem childish, but by preparing for the impossible, you’ll be ready for the improbable.

The keys to surviving Z-day are simple: Be able to lift and throw heavy things, run fast and for long distances, and be able to navigate obstacles and urban environments in an efficient manner.

Are you training? Do you have a plan besides stocking up on guns and barricading yourself in a Wal-Mart? You need to run there in the first place.

Chicago! Zombie fit will come to Grant Park this Saturday July 17th from 11:00 – 12:30! Meet near the Metra station at Van Buren and Michigan.

As rules go, zombie fit has some. Rule number one: Perform functional movements at high intensity. Zombiefit is designed to increase stamina through the training of not only aerobic exercise, but also anaerobic — exercise in short bursts of high intensity, utilizing the body’s stored energy.

Remember, you don’t have to outrun the zombies — just the slowest member of your party.

Zombiefit.org

Zombies as exercise motivation – Chicago Tribune

There are no more bullets. All rounds have been fired into head upon head of relentless zombie, including those from your plentiful .22; not like it mattered — the darn reports drew every curious Deadite and the occasional rabbit from miles around. What else to do? Your trusty AR-15 is now your trusty bayonet holder and club. If only you could retrieve your ammo, and perhaps be a bit more silent next time.

It won’t be all bullets and blades in the zombie apocalypse. Especially if your country has banned sharp and/or explody things. Enter the humble crossbow, modified, re-engineered, and accurate enough for the zombie apocalypse.

You won’t want to be swinging that sword or knife the whole apocalypse right? Your arm’s going to get tired pretty quickly. By using arrows and darts, you can retrieve that ammo, wipe off zombie goo and reload. The PSE Tac 15 is that mighty weapon which will enable you to stalk your undead prey in the dark, without risking exposure from brilliant flashes or noisy reports (and yes, suppressed fire is still loud). The Tac 15 attaches to your standard AR-15 lower receiver, and accepts all standard rail mounting hardware. Scopes, stocks, lights, lasers, grips, bipods — you name it.

Yes,  I sell it here. Click below or visit the Undead Report’s  Zombie Hunting Gear Store for the Apocalypse.

The PSE Tac-15. Click to buy now!

The Tac 15 uses special bolts designed to fly true and accurately, as well as to withstand te immense power coming from this machine. The bolts fly at 412 fps with 160 ft-lbs of kinetic energy. Yeah, you’ll kill more than  few zeds with this. Be sure to rinse off those bolts before you use them for game hunting.

See also:

Tac15.com — the official site of this mean machine.

The PSE TAC-15 super weapon of the Zombiclypse

This week, reader Vince from Texas writes in with his plan and pack details. I encourage my readers to send me their tips, objectives, plans and local information from around the US and the world.

Not every zombie plan will work in every situation; one must factor land, environment, urban density, weather, supplies, infection rate and more. If you’re in the north, bring warm weather gear. If  you’re running across Texas, you’ll need a lot more water, varmint hunting gear and sunscreen.

Objective:

Escape Austin, TX during high infestation period

Solitary travel 380 miles on foot through countryside

Reach family at end of journey and fortify

If family gone or dead Go to plan B.

Inventory:

• Paul Tawrell’s – Camping & Wilderness Survival 2nd edition
• plastic bags X4, box of 20 zip lock bags
• hunting knife, diving knife, fillet knife, pocket knife
• machete
• Leatherman(multitool)
• sharpening stone
• 100 ft. polyethane rope
• magnesium flint striker
• 300 yd. 10lb. fishing line on spool
• hooks
• single lense binocular
• 2nd pair hiking boots and clothes in waterproof bag
• cotton gloves, leather gloves
• composition notepads X2, pens X3
• fishnet
• camouflage body paint
• canteen X2 with distilling tablets X10
• watch
• compass
• maps- Austin streets, Texas highways, Texas topographical/landmark, hiking trails of Texas
• windable LED flashlight
• MRE X12
• 20 Gauge shells X120
• 20 Gauge Remington
• And next year when I turn 21 a handgun.
• Gun cleaning kit
• First Aid Kit- needle and thread, gauze, ace bandages, Neosporin, alcohol pads, small bottle of peroxide, etc.
• Night vision goggles with extra batteries
• Soap
• Two way radio, with extra batteries
• Sharpie X3

Pack Explanation

I highly suggest reading Paul Tawrell’s survival book. It covers predicting weather patterns, how to interpret a river’s current, how to hunt, how to trap, what to pack, identifying plants and animals, maps and compasses, navigation, how to build a cooking fire, how to build a campfire, how to start a fire with no tools, first aid, cooking, kayaking, surviving the elements, how to build a shelter, how to build a boat, how and when to travel, improvised bug repellents, and everything in between.

Always carry multiple knives as well as a way to sharpen them. Always be able to tell the time, and KNOW WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. Darkness is never your friend. Keep guns clean or they will eventually stop working, or jam at the most inappropriate time. Carry plastic bags to use for collecting wild edibles, or keeping bugs off of meat you may get from game. Keep zip lock bags for the same reason. Magnesium flint strikers have about 3,000 sparks in them, work when they are wet, and the sparks are hotter than a lighter flame. Invest in a windable flashlight. When the battery dies down, just wind it up. I would suggest a normal flashlight over an LED only because the brighter the light the easier you are to see, but its preference really. I don’t plan on using it much so I use an LED.

I only packed 12 MRE to save a little weight. The MREs are like emergency food for when I can’t find wild edible or game to eat. I am an experienced deer, duck, and squirrel hunter, and I am a good fisher so I should survive.

Night vision and flashlights are for emergency only. You never know what the future holds so save batteries. Say I use the night vision to travel at night instead of the day, then when I get to my family and they are all gone and took the supplies or are dead then an emergency happens at night and I need them? I’m fucked because I wasted the batteries.

Never assume you can figure out a map and compass. Know how or else you will be lost in the woods, or limited to road travel which can be risky. Knowing how to use a map and compass lets you know how far away you are from resources like natural shelter, food, water, or dangerous areas like cities.

I chose a 20-gauge shotgun because the combined weight of the guns and ammo is substantially less than a 12-gauge, but retains a good kill range. It is also somewhat quieter than a rifle or 12-guage, and easier to handle because it has very little kick to it. On the downside the ammo is harder to find, but in my case I never plan on returning to a city, where the gun would be really needed, once I escape it.

Occasionally flip on your two way and scan all the channels. During an apocalypse communication with military personnel or reclaimer groups could be useful. Always carry a sharpie especially when in the cities. Write on walls, doors, highways, sidewalks, or street signs. Write down useful tips for other wanders. If you want to join groups leave notes of where you are going, were supplies are, if the city up ahead is gridlocked, warn of over infestation, warn of bridges out, or point to good safe zones for others to take a break. I would appreciate finding helpful suggestions every now and then, and am more than happy to leave some for others.

When fleeing an infested area you will more than likely have to kill your fair share of zombies, which means you will probably get blood on you. So, wear gloves, long socks, glasses, hat, long sleeves, and handkerchief around your neck. Carry a second set of clothes so when you are done fleeing you can dump your blood drenched clothes and have something clean to wear. Also, carry soap. A clean body is a happy body.

Morale is a huge factor in survival. If you lose the will to live you will lose your life. One way to keep morale up is to keep a journal, draw pictures, maps, or anything with pen and paper. Keeping track of everything you do will keep you going, as well as help discover patterns. If you document every zombie encounter and read them all over once in a while you may discover things about them or yourself you didn’t know. Such things like you should watch your back more, zombies are sneaky, zombies have bad eyesight, zombies have bad hearing, or zombies only live for about 2 weeks. Since no one knows how zombies are actually going to act or function, having a detailed psych analyses, habit analyses, physical analyses will help you determine exactly the enemy you are facing. We cannot rely on stereotypes in modern entertainment to accurately display zombies. It will be up to us as individuals to determine these facts. Also, if you complete a composition, memorize it then leave it behind. Hopefully your 50 pages of observations will aid others who come across it. I would suggest buying brightly colored ones and leaving them enclosed in something until done with it. That way other survivors who happen through the area can easily identify it, and always label it. I chose ZOMBIE ANALYSIS: IF YOU FIND ME READ ME. So when the apocalypse happens and you find a bright yellow or green composition book with that title, you’re welcome.

Lastly I suggest going to a library and reading books on how to sew, tie knots, detailed instructions on first aid, and any other miscellaneous info that you may need during an apocalypse and practice it all. Knowledge is life, and repetition is the father of learning. Suggested reading: Boy Scout Handbook, Air force pilot handbook(kind of hard to find), Sewing books, Nursing books, Plant Identification books, Animal Identification books, Tracking animals books, Nutrition & Diet books, Psychological Analysis books(how to observe mental stability in others, yourself, and zombies), Physical therapy books, and lock picking books. If you come across a locked door there is probably something useful inside. Remember PRACTICE!

The Plan

First Outbreak (nation) – pack goes from closet to truck, within 100ft of me at all times.

First Outbreak (Local) – This is a single account in the city. Something small that could be controlled. If it is not controlled then it moves on to the next step in the plan. I call in to work, fortify 2nd floor apartment, and warn everyone of the disaster to come!

City Overrun Begins – Set out on foot during next available sunrise. Leaving midday could leave you in the suburbs in the dark, and that is obviously a bad idea. I will have gun in hand, but any local law enforcement or survivors will understand why I have a gun by this point, if there are any left. Stay on small neighborhood roads, and make no attempt to contact or recruit. Going through backyard would be safer until a scared survivor misjudges you and boom your dead. Once out of the city head away from civilization toward family.

380 mile travel – I will travel on small highways, no interstates, stopping only for water or the occasional game I may use for food. Travel stops 3 hours before sundown. First hour is used to head away from the highway. Second hour is used to cook and move further away from the highway, and where you cooked (smoke as well as food smell could give you away). Third hour is used to camouflage a sleeping spot. This continues day in and day out until I arrive at destination.

My Apocalypse Theories

Zombies

I highly doubt that the actual “undead” zombie could function. My research leads me to believe that a “rabid” zombie is more likely. They will have lower intelligence levels than normal, but can still understand basic concepts like doors, noise, urban vs. rural areas, and other easy concepts. My theory on surviving them is hiding. If they can’t see me or signs that I am around such as fire, backpack, etc. they will not find me. That is why I suggest the Air force pilot’s handbook. It is for when a pilot ejects over hostile territory and goes into great detail on natural camouflage and improvised equipment. If they do find me I will treat them as any other person attacking me. One to the chest, and if that doesn’t work then one to the head.

Other survivors

Check on no one. Help no one. Any help I have to offer is done during the first local outbreak, if they didn’t listen the first time their screwed not me. Avoid everyone no matter what. People are too dangerous in a time like this. They will either steal from me or want to tag along. I have packed enough for myself to survive, not enough for me and the occasional straggler or looter. Tag alongs will ALWAYS get you killed. They are untrained, unprepared, and scared. Fear causes mistakes under pressure. Now having a plan with a group who are prepared, aware, somewhat trained is a different story, but I will be traveling alone so…

My Plan B: When things go bad

My plan B goes into action when either I arrive home and my family is dead or gone, or total overrun occurs. By total overrun I mean no military, no civilization, nothing.

At this point I will have come across a world map during my travel which I will then use to navigate to South America. Somewhere in Brazil probably where there are no people. I feel I could survive in a jungle better than any other type of terrain and maybe 4 or 5 years later head back to check on how the area previously called the US is doing. If my theory of the “living” zombie turns out to be true then each zombie could survive between 1 week and 2 months depending on how fast the virus degrades brain function or the level of brain loss, initial infecting wound size, and how much nutrition they take in via human flesh. These estimates are obviously a long shot, and no were near accurate. This is why I chose to remain in Brazil for about 4 or 5 years, but who knows how long it would take them all to die out before you can return to what use to be home.

Other Thoughts

Personally I would avoid any military personnel in the case of an outbreak. The military, in the case of a nationwide outbreak, would more than likely abandon survivors or exterminate everyone. Gather supplies in small towns only if you are 100% sure you will survive. Entering a large city alone or in small groups could be a devastating mistake. I believe zombies will roam, but only from urban area to urban area. With an instinct to hunt for humans they would probably stay in or near civilization simply because that is where most survivors would stay, and this is the reason I choose to flee the city. But, like I stated earlier this is all just guess work.

The good, gun totin’ folks  at DPMS Firearms in St. Cloud have produced a fantastic zombie hunting event with various stages, scenarios, tactical situations, reactive targets and more. A prize table includes excellent zombie rifles, lasers, optics, mounts, kits and more!

Edit: www.OutbreakOmega3.com/

DPMS Firearms, LLC and Del-Tone/Luth Gun Club are hosting another “fun shoot” at the Del-Tone/Luth Gun Range in St. Cloud, MN on April 24-25, 2010.

This is one of the largest zombie shoots in the US. This is a “fun” shoot, any and all are invited.  Saturday night includes, a Zombie Hunters Ball, featuring a live band and a pig roast. Staff at the event will be zombified! come as you are, whether it’s a pizza delivery man, ninja, tacticool operator, or office worker. These are real live firearms here, aimed at zombie targets, dummies and the like. This isn’t an HvZ Nerf shoot or a Paintball shoot.

There will be several scenarios to join and shoot at to test your mettle, shotgun skills, rifle skills and reloading abilities.

Up Close and Personal – A nearby farmhouse has been overrun with the undead, but it is full of ammo and supplies, so get a clearin’.

Twinkie Factory – Clear out and hold the Twinkie Factory (Zombieland fans?) and a night’s sleep and Twinkies are your reward.

Live Zombie Open Range – You know what to do. Shoot anything that’s already dead. Rifle/Shotgun/Pistol

Air Drop From Heaven – An air-dropped crate of ACR’s? Retrieve it and then get a shootin’!

Sound The Alarm! – Eliminate all resistance swiftly and sound the alarm. You have 60 seconds to ensure the safety of your fellow survivors!

Anybody Home? – After walking the wilds of Central Minnesota for what seems to be an eternity, your small band of survivors has come across an abandoned house. Guess what? You drew the short straw and you get to make sure it’s clear before you stop for the night. Shotguns.

From the Waters of Lake Luth - These zombies are very active both day and night, straining the senses of the watch crews, and can only be killed with a perfect head shot.   Rifle/Squad shot.

Rule # 32: Enjoy the Little Things – Trap shoot.

Un-Load and Un-Lock - Navigate your way through a series of locks and doors in 60 seconds or the cure is lost!

Zombie Assault Training Site -  These 2 stages have multiple head target and you must wager your skills and life on your training and your shotgun.

The Wooded Valley of Undeath – Guard duty in the forest with your shotgun.

This weekend, St Paul is the place to put your mouth where your money is.

Gasoline won’t be pumping. Electricity will buzz out. You might have some sun. You’ll need to be on the move. Bikes, cars, trucks, trains, foot or boat, you’ll need to move around, carry supplies, and stay alert while attracting the least attention possible. Before you lay out your fantastic apocalyptic plans, there are several factors you must consider.

Magnitude of Disaster

Will you still have electricity? Gasoline? Are food and supplies readily available? You can’t carry much on your bike, but a car won’t go far once gasoline becomes scarce. Count on the highways being clogged with the dead and vehicles out of fuel. A boat will only take you so far without sail power, and even then, you still require rare fresh water, food and supplies.

Carrying Capacity

A bike is speedy, silent and reliable, hell it’s even endorsed by Max Brooks in his famous guide. However, don’t expect to pack more than a week or two’s worth of food and gear if you’re on a bike. Forget traveling cross-state with a bike, unless you have lots of time and zombies are in short supply. A motorbike is a bit more suitable for off-road use, distance and carrying capacity, but please note it is prone to fuel shortages and is a great attention getter.

Consider  bicycles and motorbikes to be supplemental transportation. You will need them for quick getaways around your area and for ferrying supplies, but attacking and moving are impossible with such a means of transportation. Whatever your gas-powered vehicle, you’ll want a bicycle in the trunk or on the roof, along with your guns, blades, ammo and food.

Practicality

Many potential survivors, several on this site,  want to rig up a Humvee or light truck with armor plating, gun turrets, spikes, chainsaw ports and many other fantastic ideas they nabbed from  zombie movies. This ain’t Iraq folks, and an iron plated vehicle is slow, cumbersome, and eats through fuel. We can rule out the laughable idea of steel-plating a Prius, so let’s not consider that. Your best defense is evading Zack, and an offensive vehicle will still need to be speedy and reliable. If it can break down on you, it will.

Considered an armored vehicle as something for short trips to crucial destinations through very planned and re-planned paths with multiple routes.

Of course, you could always just build an iron-plated storm chaser in the name of science. Ben Anderson of the Examiner has put together a fine zombie apocalypse transportation article explaining just why tricked out visionary vehicles are a bad idea.

Most pre-zombies will spout off the name of some ludicrous military vehicle or giant civilian truck, some even fancy vehicular weaponry (tanks, etc.), as the optimal apocalyptic conveyance. The last thing you need is a damn tank leading an unholy army to your doorstep.

Yes, your armored truck sounds like a fine idea on paper, but it’s hardly executable unless you make a Killdozer, have access to heavy shop materials and posses a valid driver’s license.

Reliability

Stick with what you know. If your car runs well, is reliable and gets good MPG, consider that your #1 Bug Out Vehicle or BOV. Keep it stocked with a good supply of food, water, radios, and perhaps even install a CB and keep some emergency illumination at hand. Flashlights and road flares are good to have anyway.

The vehicle to the left is Elwood, my 2004 Chevrolet Impala 9c1. It’s got a cop motor, a [3.8L V6 3800 Series II], it’s got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It’s a model made [after] catalytic converters, so it’ll run good on regular gas. He gets little upgrades every now and then to keep him as my reliable BOV. Currently, he has V-Rated General A-A tires, a CB Radio, USB hookups, 400W power inverter and everything the Chevrolet Police Package provides. Elwood is considered my primary BOV for getting me out of town when SHTF; not much but it’s a start. Throw a collapsible bike in the trunk and I’m ready for most any situation.

If you have enough external gas cans, you’ll be good to go with a longer fuel range, regardless of your MPG.

Mission

If you’re going into an urban area, unless the roads are clear, you’ll probably want to be on foot or bicycle. Consider any attempt to enter an urban area to be for recon, SAR, or essential supply gathering. You’ll want to avoid these infested areas at all costs. For this reason, the suburbs and countryside are far better places to search and settle than a metropolitan area.

The Boy Scout Motto, “Be Prepared” also applies to vehicles as well — you’ll want your BOV to be swift, strong, and provide adequate fence-crashing, puddle stomping, and zombie splattering abilities. The usual 4-wheeled vehicle can accomplish most of these things, but consider specifics. A light truck is useful in supply gathering, while a swift car is more useful for speeding across infested areas.

Jalopnik has crafted a fine article of dreamy (if somewhat impractical) Zombiepocalypse vehicles.

Long Term

If the apocalypse is disastrous enough, there will be no more fossil fuels. Bikes, pack animals and sleds will be the only means of ferrying cargo. One often overlooked mode of transport is the humble sailboat.

A sailing vessel will get you places no car every could (assuming you can get to the ocean or a Great Lake).  With hydroponics, a wind generator, and water purifiers, you’re set for a life at sea or on the Great Lakes eating fresh caught, non-undead whitefish every day. Besides a proper skill to master, sailing could ensure your survival when roads are crowded, gasoline has disappeared, and the lands are poisoned.

Aircraft will be extremely hard to maintain, and without a qualified pilot, you’re risking death for yourself and your partners. On the rare occasion the opportunity arises, the advantage of  a long distance traveled is not worth the risk. Military pilots, passenger jet pilots and even civil air pilots depend on lots of fuel, good weather, ground and air crew for their operations. Stick to the surface.

Take the time, learn how to repair machines, sail a boat, and build a bicycle. These skills could save your life more than being a crack shot in your Killdozer ever could.

Resources

The Ten Best Post-Apocalyptic Survival Vehicles

Traveling in the Zombie Apocalypse

It would appear the government has been less than secret when it comes to zombie removal. (Stimulus Money Funds U.S. Dept. of Zombie Removal (Pic))

Minneapolis Appeals Court Rules Zombies Have Right To Free Speech ‘They slowly lurched down the halls and said things like, “Get your brains here.” Everything was going great until the police showed up’ – I don’t know how I feel about this. On one hand, zombies shouldn’t even be allowed to have lower jaws. On the other hand, these were fake zombies. So, go us?

The Crazies (2010) ‘A reinvention loosely based upon the George Romero classic of the same name, The Crazies is about the inhabitants of a small Kansas town suddenly plagued by insanity and then death after a mysterious toxin contaminates their water supply.’ – George Romero knows zombies aren’t always the reanimated dead. It makes it that much messier to have to kill live humans. At least you can aim for center of mass. But double-tap for sure. And don’t drink the water.

Man bites thumb in pub brawl bite – ‘A man bit the thumb of another man so hard that he nearly severed it during a fight outside a Sydney pub.’  - You think that’s a bite? Now THIS is a bite! Only in Australia.

Conn. man bites Cambridge Hospital security officer ‘Police responded to Cambridge Hospital for reports of an assault at 4:45 p.m. and found a security staff allegedly bit by a Connecticut man. The victim’s middle finger had been bitten through a glove, had teeth marks on it and was bleeding’ – Okay, I guess it happens in New England too. Time for better, more zombie bite proof gloves.

Woman bites a chunk out of her mom’s cheek in fight A woman ‘jumped on her mother “and bit her left cheek, causing a large chunk to be rended…’ – Will you be prepared to kill your relatives in the event of infection?

It won’t be fun. It will be people you know. It may be soon. Cheers!

Here’s some science of the new decade for you: how about draining pigs of their blood, making them clinically dead, and then bringing them back to life?

Naturally, this is a military project, and those always end well. The theory goes, if you drain a pig (which has a physiology similar to humans) of blood and replace it with a cocktail of hydrogen sulfide, you will extend the “golden period” where life saving surgery and medical treatment are possible. Basically, you shut down the brain and heart, placing the patient in suspended animation, and bring them back later.

Dr Matthew Miller working on the project states: “Everybody’s talking about the military use of this, and that’s our focus now.” He continues, “but really, this could be much, much bigger than that.”

This will surely save lives on the battlefield if perfected, but at what cost? Where does mental deterioration and unstable psychosis set in? Agreed, this could be a stretch, but this reanimation research continues.

With a 15-person team working exclusively on this project, successful results are expected within 18 months. “Darpa wants this to happen yesterday, because it was needed yesterday,” Dr. Miller said. Once the team comes up with the right elixir, it’ll undergo federally mandated safety testing. After that, the vaccine will be sent to the battlefield for application to live humans.

One may call it suspended animation, life extension or a zombie vaccine, but the science and research into extended life after death continues.

Resources

Pentagon: Zombie Pigs First, Then Hibernating Soldiers (Wired)

Pentagon Plans Zombie Pig Project: Night of the Living Swine? (Gadget review)

Second Illustration: Marmoto

Class 3 Outbreak is a Flash and Google Maps based zombie apocalypse simulator produced by Binary Space.

It’s about damn time someone made something like this.

Scientists take note: such a tool will be useful in analyzing statistics such as population, area, civil defense and zombie offensive structure.  Variables such as police, citizens, zombies, speed and infection rate can be manipulated to great detail. The current map covers a small section of Washington D.C., featuring stores, streets, parks, police and homes. The default settings of 100 zombies vs. 6000 civilians are distressing, and seem to coincide with a report by science’s R.J. Smith?. See Zombie Mathematical Model: Slim Chances for Survival for more information.

The pathfinding in the simulation is accurate and gory. Gangs of zombies can be seen grouping together and chasing uninfected civilians. Unfortunately, the civilians simply run around in circles  awaiting their inevitable death.

The simulator appears to model buildings and obstacles. Humans gathered in buildings survive far longer, so long as the exits remain protected from gathering zombies. Once an infected makes it inside a building, it turns into a slaughter house.

You want to survive? No sentimental attachments. Stay indoors. Dump the bodies.

Try the simulator. Pick a random survivor as yourself, and see how you do. Class 3 Outbreak

No Halloween tricks here, only treats.

Keen readers will note that suspected zombie activity exists, and is often overlooked by the press.

Man punches suspected zombie, flees

IOWA CITY, Iowa

Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault [on October 26th] in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice. Police said the assault occurred at 1:17 a.m. Sunday at an Iowa City restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus.

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

The victim was taken by ambulance to a hospital.

It would appear the aggressor here has been on high alert. If you’re going to attack or defend yourself from suspected zombies, you had better make sure you have the full legal right to defend yourself from personal and property harm.

Dead baby wakes up for his funeral wake

A baby boy born 16 weeks prematurely was declared dead by doctors at a hospital in Paraguay only to wake up in time for his funeral wake hours later.

“Initially, the baby didn’t move, he practically didn’t have any respiratory reflexes, nor did we hear a heartbeat and, as a result, we declared a premature fetus of 24 weeks dead,” Weber told Reuters Television.

The family was given a death certificate and a cardboard box with the baby’s name scribbled on the outside which served as a makeshift coffin.

But when the family took him from the hospital to prepare him for his funeral, the unbelievable happened.

“I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said “the baby’s crying” … and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared,” said one member of the family, Liliana Alvarenga.

Hours after the baby’s death had been declared he was found to be alive. The hospital has begun an investigation and the baby is now in a stable condition in an incubator.

Presumably, he was transferred to another hospital where his condition was upgraded to “alive”.

Pet Turtle Disease Could Spread to Humans

Oct. 5, 2009 — A researcher has identified the first Australian case of a captive turtle being infected with a highly contagious disease, which has the potential to spread to humans.

Debbie Bannan, a second year veterinary science student from James Cook University in Townsville, said she discovered the disease on an Emydura macquarii, a common species of pet turtle, which was brought to a vet clinic where she was volunteering.

She said the turtle presented with a lesion on its front forelimb, which they thought was an isolated inflammation of the bone and could be treated by amputating its limb and flipper.

“It started to rehabilitate really well,” said Bannan. “But three months after that it rapidly went downhill and reluctantly we had to euthanize it.”

Bannan said when they conducted a post-mortem, they found the turtle had a bacterial disease, called mycobacterium, that had spread throughout its entire body.

“Mycobacterium is much like staph on human skin, and it can be carried by lots of animals.”

The bacterium isn’t pathogenic until it enters the body, through air passages, cuts or the intestines, she said.

Lastly, a terribly misinformed scientific perspective of zombies.

Shoemaker: Zombie doomsday scenario is just illogical

The causes for reanimated flesh are varied and sometimes completely undefined. No matter, the end result is the same — an ever-quickening spread of walking dead consuming and converting the living to their cannibalistic ways.

We all know that zombies eat brains. It’s what they crave. It’s what motivates them to ceaselessly stalk the living and rip them to shreds in an attempt to open their skulls to get to the savory gray matter inside. Further, we know that any injury caused by one of these creatures — be it a bite or a mere scratch — is enough to turn a human into a zombie.

Yet, we also know that the only way to permanently disable a zombie (to kill one, as it were) is to shoot it in the head, or decapitate it, or cause enough trauma to the cranium so as to destroy the brain. Burning works well, too.

Do you now see the lack of logic behind the zombies-overrunning-humanity scenario? If zombies eat brains, and the destruction of the brain is the only thing to kill a zombie, then how could zombie-itis ever sweep over humanity and wipe them out? Motivated only for the neuro-smorgasboard that the living are to them, zombies would be negating their own spread by destroying potential zombies in their feeding frenzy.

Well put professor, but we’re on the lookout for aggressive, crazed, highly infectuous and potentially lethal, very alive humans. They have no taste for brains, only a taste of madness. However, I bet your brains are delicious.

I’ve taken to wearing my kukri around town more often, strapped to my thigh. It’s easier to claim “religious use” than a firearm.

I was asked on the Red Bar Radio show “how much have I spent so far on something that doesn’t exist”.

Not enough.

More shock, more horror, more psychotic zombie paranoia!

The Undead Report will be on Red Bar Radio’s Hallowe’en show again. Last year was a great time, much zombie survival advice was dispensed, and killing tactics were planned.

Tune in Friday, October 30th at 3PM CST!

Red Bar Radio is an Internet radio comedy talk show in Chicago. They are running a Hallowe’en show on October 30th, and The Undead Report’s Zombie Hunter Sam is one of the guests.

That’s a photo of zombies waiting outside the studio! Man I hate zombies.

The show has a live webcam and chat, so you can interact while the show is airing, with a podcast to follow. If you have anything you’d like to hear discussed, ranted or destroyed, please post a comment. You can listen to Red Bar Radio LIVE on Friday, October 30th at 3PM CST by going to http://redbarradio.com/tv.
Replays are available any time by going to http://redbarradio.com