Photo: Sir Mildred Pierce

Parasites, virii, bacteria, evil alien brain worms. These things can all potentially live inside you and destroy you from the inside out. I’ve written about Toxoplasma before. It’s a parasite that decreases fear in rats, causing them to be eaten by cats. Pregnant women must avoid cats and undercooked meat, as Toxoplasmosis can cause sexual promiscuity, more male births and excessive risk taking. It can make men less intelligent, more jealous and anti-social, cause schizophrenia, or slow reaction times. This little worm can even be the cause of car collisions. Death.

From a report on Toxoplasmosis and car accidents:

“The subjects with latent toxoplasmosis have significantly increased risk of traffic accidents than the noninfected subjects. Relative risk of traffic accidents decreases with the duration of infection. These results suggest that ‘asymptomatic’ acquired toxoplasmosis might in fact represent a serious and highly underestimated public health problem, as well as an economic problem. “

I’m not saying Toxoplasma causes zombism — but it can create strange mental faculties, cause aggression and risk taking and reduce reaction time. Are cats evil? Quite possibly yes.

Are food-borne parasites a major cause of car accidents? – Science that Matters.

Czech scientists discover link between accidents, blood group and parasite – Radio.cz

Last year, they came for beer. This year is no different.

Watch out Andersonville, next weekend is going to be full of beer/brain hungry undead ghouls on the prowl.  The Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl is produced by by improv group pH Productions. Almost 400 zombies attended the first crawl, wandering the streets of Andersonville into Simon’s, Charlie’s Ale House and Hamburger Mary’s. The 2009 edition promises to be even bigger and better and hopes for even more undead fun. For the unfamiliar, a zombie walk is a group of people usually organized by email or a website who dress like zombies and lumber through town, usually just for fun. Some zombie walks start or finish at cemeteries, and others at pubs.

Organizers will be rotating zombies in and out of the pubs so 400 of them won’t be lining up trying to grab a beer from one bartender. Sounds like a good idea. As this is a pub crawl, its limited to 21 and up, only. Hey, we adults have to have our zombie preparedness fun, right?

Check out pictures from 2008′s zombie pub crawl.

Click here to read more about the zombie pub crawl, and register for this year!

Chicago is always full of people walking around half dead, shouting, and attacking each other. And I’m not just talking about the zombies, this time I’m referring to the Irish.

St Patrick’s day weekend is always a good time in the windy city, and expect it to be particularly interesting March 14th, when hordes of the undead converge on the lanes instead of brains. I’ll be there with some of my crew, but don’t expect me to be one of the zombified — someone has to protect you from the gutterball slinging madness.

WildClaw Theatre Proudly Presents: Zombie Bowling
A Benefit for the Midwest premiere of The Revenants.

A little bit about the The Revenants:

‘Til death do us part? When a global outbreak of horrific violence forces two couples to hide in an abandoned basement, they come face to face with the true meaning of commitment. As wounded spouses take a turn for the worse, husbands and wives must ask of each other: When does love die?

April 20, 2009
Angel Island Theater, Chicago

WildClaw Theatre Company proudly announces Zombie Bowling, Saturday March 14th, at 9:00pm, at the Timber Lanes, 1851 W. Irving Park, Chicago. Admission to this evening of bowling and brains is $20 in advance/$25 at the door. You provide the zombie or the victim, we provide the shoes and the bowling. Tickets are limited so buy your tickets today at www.wildclawtheatre.com.

For $5 extra you can get zombiefied by WildClaw! Undead America Founder and Zombie Engineer, Aly Renee Greaves will be heading up a team of gruesome makeup specialists on site to transmogrify you.

The folks who brought you DEATHSCRIBE, The Great God Pan, and H.P. Lovecraft’s The Dreams In The Witch House, present an evening of bowling and fun like nothing you have witnessed before.

Featuring:

• The Horror Queen Scream-off!
• Zombie-oke!
• The Ultimate Horror Movie Trivia Contest!
• Zombie Beauty Pageant!
• Raffles with prizes!
• Cash Bar!

This promises to be an evening of shambling, bowling, drinking, macabre mastication, reanimation, yet more shambling, brain-eating fun that you won’t want to miss.

Proceeds from this benefit will go directly towards WildClaw Theatre’s production of Scott T. Barsotti’s The Revenants, directed by Anne Adams, opening April 20th at the Angel Island Theatre in Chicago.

Timber Lanes is near all forms of public transportation and is wheelchair accessible. Neighborhood parking near the Timber Lanes is limited. Please allow extra time when arriving by car.

If you found yourself trapped in a gymnasium with hordes of brain hungry zombies coming from every door and window, what would you do? Fight? Flee? Scream? You’d probably die, because you haven’t seen the second hand tacitcal simulation that is being demonstrated here in Chicago. A small group of survivors has been banding together in a gym and running repeated drills on zombie holocaust survival and zombie elimination.

The Sandbox Theatre Project is running a preparedness simulation called “Multi Purpose Doom“, which is performed at 9pm every Friday and Saturday night through August 23rd at the Menomonee Club in Lincoln Park. The exercise consists of several groups of day-to-day people who have inadvertently been overbooked in the same gymnasium. The jittery self help group, a woefully unprepared and ditzy high school reunion organizer, and the jocks all try for their right to own the space for the night. The typical survival character archetypes shine after the inevitable (and bloodily hilarious) zombie outbreak.

The production values are quite high with blood filled theatrics, moulage, costume design and dismemberment. From ballerina to nervous life coach, all manner of zombie come out to feast on a half dozen survivors. Slow moving, brain eating zombies are a highly unlikely scenario, but the director uses them to create great comedy and tension building. Of note is that particular zombies exhibit character traits of their recently lost humanity. These low-memory zombies present several problems that our heros must quickly and creatively deal with in order to survive. Reactionary and improvisational fighting is key to fending off an attack in unfamiliar and undefended locations, especially if the zombies exhibit low-function thinking.

The survivors demonstrate proper infected restraint techniques, but fail to adequately barricade entrances and exits. Melee or close combat weapons are also missing. As one unfortunate survivor demonstrates, I suggest not going alone for ammunition and provisions.

The production is full of excellently choreographed gunplay, combat, suspense, humor and tension. The producers have taken certain liberties to include the gunplay in a family-friendly house, but it is still quite effective in illustrating proper zombie removal techniques. Zombie movie cliches are seen as each survivor has their shining moment towards the end of the play, but this is will written with a nod to popular zombie cinema.

“Multi-Purpose Doom” is a must see for any zombie fan. As zombie preparedness training exercises go, it’s top notch and the high quotient of humor is a must for keeping your sanity. If you failed to collect your shwag at this years earlier events, you get a killer Zombie Survival Merit Badge for coming to see the show!

The exercise runs Fridays and Saturdays July 18th -> August 23, doors 8:30, play 9:00.
Menomonee Club 1535 N Dayton, Chicago $15

Multi-Purpose Doom at Sandbox Theatre Project

Update 08/04/08: SEE THIS PLAY

It’s not so much a play as it is a first-hand observational experience in survival, horror, comedy and defense. It’s well produced and well acted, and follows the characterization and drama of Romero’s signature movies. The play is suggested donation $15 and it’s absolutely worth it. You also get a zombie survival merit badge to add to your collection!

Fridays and Saturdays July 18th -> August 23, doors 8:30, play 9:00
Menomonee Club 1535 N Dayton, Chicago $15

First a zombie pub crawl, then a thousand zombies marching downtown, and now zombies are invading the stage. In a rather inventive site-specific play, Sandbox Theatre Project is performing a zombie themed horror comedy in Lincoln Park called “Multi-Purpose Doom”.

The Menomonee Club in Chicago’s Lincoln Park has been triple booked. Extracurricular opinions clash as everyone jockeys for exclusive use of a room meant to build community not rabble-rouse! Everyone may be forced to get along after all when people start disappearing only to reappear with pale skin, a slow gait, and the nagging need to eat everyone else’s brains.

From the Centerstage Chicago review:

With a nod to George H. Romero’s “Living Dead” movie series, as well as plenty of blood, laughs and a certain powdered soft drink, Sandbox Theatre Project’s production of “Multi-Purpose Doom” will keep you on the edge of your seat—and since you’ll be sitting on bleachers, that’s the perfect position.

In the brightly lit gymnasium where the play is set, the glaring overhead lights give the feeling that nothing could go wrong. The gym has been overbooked for the night among a high-school reunion set-up crew, basketball players and a self-help group full of easily rattled members. So what group gets the rightful use of the gym? Only the authority of the seen-it-all janitor can solve the problem.

Then the zombies arrive, and hell seemingly breaks loose. Not to fear, the janitor happens to be well-versed in dealing with the undead, and leads the living on a kill-or-be-killed mission providing action, adventure and through it all, self-realization.

When the action gets going, and the zombies begin their rampage, the entire ensemble shines. They hold back nothing. It’s not only fun to watch, but because of the audience’s proximity to the action, you really feel you are taking part and rooting the living on to victory.

A nice touch Sandbox lends to the production is the interaction the ensemble has with the audience beforehand. Audience members are encouraged to shoot baskets with the actors, explore the Menomonee Club facilities and remember what it’s like to be back in a gym.

Fridays and Saturdays July 18th -> August 23, doors 8:30, play 9:00
Menomonee Club 1535 N Dayton, Chicago

An event produced by improv group pH productions, Chicago’s first zombie walk was a drunken growling pub crawl full of the worst people –  and I’m not talking about Cubs fans. The event in Andersonville kicked off around 4:30 PM, with particpants meeting and signing up, applying rouge, blood and makeup, and getting their complimentary t-shirts and tickets. There were at least a good hundred or so people at the start, who proceeded to the first bar in small groups. In total there were about 300 members of the undead shambling about. To see the photos, view the zombie photo section!

Simon’s Tavern was the first hit by the brain hungry mob. The bar was quickly packed shoulder to shoulder, though bartenders were jovial and fast, serving “Rogue Dead Guy Ale” to the mob of thirst patrons. A few locals were at the end of the bar, naming zombies as they came in and having their pictures taken.

After a round or two here, some zombies left ot the next place to get more brainy beer. Dozens of zombies shambled down the street, lurching at passing cars and freaking out passersby, who had no idea what was going on. One couldn’t but notice the irony as we passed the zoned out patrons of a Starbucks – practically oblivious to the zombies smearing the windows with facepaint and blood as they passed by.

Scores of zombies packed Charlie’s Ale House as their regular patrons were confused, witless, scared, or simply annoyed by our presence. Several members left and well – I had some tasty leftover cheeseburgers. I mean brainburgers. Shouts of BRAINS! echoed through the bar as probably a hundred zombies were mixing it up.  Spotted here were nurse and doctor zombies, a DHARMA Initiative zombie, pirate zombies, a man who looked like zorro and a few sports zombies who seemed all too zombified by the games on TV. Amusingly, a pair of daring zombie hunters joined the mess, armed with neon bats and a bright orange hand cannon, looking to cream some zombie heads. Shawn from “Shawn of the Dead” didn’t make it out of this panic – he was seen with his trusty cricket bat and covered in gore, sipping a beer at a booth.

MUMMIES decided to join in the madness. A handful of mummies came out of nowhere and started wrestling with the zombies outside of the bar. I’d like to stress that in an actual zombie panic, you’ll need to be prepared for anything. If your old friends come back as the undead, chances are thousand year old egyptians might too. Nurses with fresh brains, businessmen and girl scouts terroized cars and petrified bystanders.

Hungry for actual dead meat, my tagalong and I shambled up to Hamburger Mary’s in desperate need of charred meat flesh. The best was the look of restaurant patrons as I slowly drug my half lifeless body through the diner in search of food. Upstairs gathered pratically all of the zombies from the earlier pubs. “Night of the Living Dead” played on large flat screen TVs as a dozen zombies danced to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. And oh, the cheeseburgers, they were good.

Aftermath

From a  strictly technical standpoint, this preparedness exercise was executed flawlessly. While zombies may not wander from pub to pub, science does not discredit that the human brain muscle may seek out familar places posthumously. The (only two) zombie hunters I saw do reflect what the odds will be like. You versus a hundred or more.

Drink up now, while you’re still able to taste.

On to the photos!

Watch Night of the Living Dead for free! 

Chicago is about to be invaded by the undead. That’s right, Chicago’s first ever undead preparedness exercise is coming this April. It may not be billed as zombie readiness, but It will be good practice and readiness training. For the unfamiliar, a zombie walk is a group of people usually organized by email or a website who dress like zombies and lumber through town, usually just for fun. Some zombie walks start or finish at cemeteries, and others at pubs. Zombies in the midwest have a known propensity for alcohol laden blood and brains, so this event will take place in several Chicago bars.

Set aside April 26! This Zombie Walk is a pub crawl in Chicago’s northside neighborhood of Andersonville, and takes place from 5pm – 8pm. The zombie pub crawl (21 and over only) is presented by pH Productions at Stage Left Theatre. Registration is $10 and includes a shirt, makeup kit and four tickets to a show. It’s time to dress the part and score some tasty Chicago brains.

More information can be found at http://chicagozombiepubcrawl.com.

For the sake of this argument, I will be referring to a zombie as not a member of the undead, but rather human bodies acting seemingly without a will of their own, with an intention to consume, destroy, or otherwise cause general grief to the remaining human populace.

Zombies in popular culture form three distinct classes:

• Walking Dead – undead, walking dead or reanimated corpses
• Viral – viral, parasitic or infected humans
• Scientific – scientifically altered humans, through radiation, poisons or drugs, or psychic conditioning

The Walking Dead

Our current understanding of human physiology, biology and chemistry tell us that a human corpse cannot rise, reactivate or in any other way reanimate. There must exist an external stimulus to bring about reanimation. If such a stimulus succeeds in reanimating a corpse though electricity, nutrient rich serum, or some strange radioactive measure, the corpse will still have difficulty with life support. A reanimated brain can function and provide basic skills such as breathing, blood pumping and simple motor skills, operating on a primitive, feral level. The reanimated head and brain show signs of smell, taste hearing and sight. This is evidenced by previous Soviet and current American experiments. An undead person would have one thought: feed to keep the body moving. The only problem is, the entire body would also be reanimated and would need energy to survive, much like any other human does. Air, water, food. Assuming a physiology like that of the living, a heart shot would be just as effective in destroying the undead. Muscles need air and energy, and this is pumped by the blood.

Undead Physiology

If the physiology of the undead changes, it is a different matter. Muscles can operate through electricity alone, that’s how they work at the most basic level. Apply a current and a muscle will tense; remove it and it will relax. Corpses always contain rot and the organisms involved in breaking down dead tissue. If the process in reanimating the corpse causes its brain to be active and conduct electricty, the body is essentially a walking meat-machine. The organisms and acids responsible for breakdown of the body will still be present. The moving muscles of the body will produce enough heat to slow or halt the decomposition. The remaining bacteria will remain internal, and begin slowly decomposing the body from the inside. An introduction of warm flesh (human or other mammals) to the zombies digestive system will prevent the necrotizing organisms from eating the zombie. Necessary energies for locomotion would be converted from the byproducts of digesting fresh flesh, and absorbed through the decaying flesh.

If radiation is involved, certain properties could dispel decomposition or produce mutations responsible for an adaptive physiology. In either situatuation, the corpse is not conscious. It would operate on an instinctual level that could include self-preservation through an aggressive nature. It would be more efficient to use muscles slowly, but short bursts of strength or speed could be produced.

Undead Transmission

If the cause of a reanimated corpse is through scientific methods such as resuscitation, electrical reanimation or means as yet uncovered, infectious transmission will probably be nil, as the means of reanimation will be artificial.

However, if the zombies saliva, greymatter or blood contains a toxic solution or causes mutation of the host’s physiology, infection could occur. Transmission of disease and horrible toxins can cause a rapid sickness in a bitten victim, causing death. They may not awaken as a zombie, but could certainly be susceptible to the same factors that reanimated earlier corpses.

Parasitic Infections

There exist in nature certain organisms that cause paralysis, altered survival, behavioral and sexual patterns and can evenmake their host suicidal. They use either toxins, neural paralysis or behave as parasites to cause their host to enter a state of zombism, sacrificing itself for the reproductive nature of the parasite.

Zombie-state Causes

The emerald cockroach wasp (Ampulex compressa) is a parasitoid wasp that temporarily paralyzes cockroaches, and takes careful aim at the roaches brain, nullifying its evasive response. The wasp then controls the roach through its antennae, much like a dog on a leash. It steers the heavy roach to its lair, where the wasp lays eggs that later hatch and eat their way out.

Similarly, an unclassified species of Costa Rican wasp attacks an orb weaving spider, which is temporarily paralyzed as it lays eggs on the tip of the spider’s abdomen. On the night before the parasitic larvae kill their host, normal web-weaving events take a bizarre turn. Through some unknown mechanism, the larvae compel their host spider to build a web that is very different from that it has always constructed before – the spider builds a stout, reinforced platform which is much smaller. When the new web is complete, the larvae kill their host, and cocoon themselves on the structure.

Toxoplasma gondii is a species of parasitic protozoa that has an interesting means of reproduction. It has the ability to change the behavior of rats and mice, making them drawn to, rather than fearful of, the scent of cats. This effect is advantageous to the parasite, which will be able to sexually reproduce if its host is eaten by a cat. The infection is almost surgical in its precision. Human behavior may also be affected in some ways, and correlations have been found between latent Toxoplasma infections and various characteristics such as decreased reactionary time, feelings of insecurity, neuroticism, and possibly even cases of schizophrenia and paranoia. T. gondii is also correlated strongly with an increase in boy births in humans, leading to an alteration of the human sex proportion. Other possible behavior modifications are suggested by a study suggesting that people not infected with the parasite found women with toxoplasma more attractive. Similarly, brain eating amoeba cause death in humans – and show little signs until its too late.

On a larger scale, the nematomorph hairworm (Spinochordodes tellinii) hairworm lives and breeds in fresh water. However, it spends a part of its life eating the insides of live grasshoppers and then brainwashing the grasshopper into committing suicide by hopping into a pool of water and drowning.

Rabies. Need I mention this? It already carries the common traits of traditional Zombism. Rabies lives in the brain, is transmitted through infectious saliva and alters an animals mind to produce an aggresive, rage filled state. Infections in humans also can cause paralysis, hydrophobia and hallucinations.

Admittedly, a parasitic brain-stabbing wasp or hairworm has quite a leap to go from a simple insect to a human host. It is within reason to assume that such a wasp could attempt an attack on small mammals or otherwise mutate or evolve its patterns if roaches are in low supply or develop counter-tactics. As mammals don’t have antennae their ability to steer one is a bit of a stretch. Yet, a mammalian host is still receptive to being internally devoured by wasp larvae or hairworms. With an effective species jump, the hairworm could cause mammals to produce similar suicidal traits. Neither of these would result in zombism, but serve to illustrate brain chemistry and that an organisms behavior can be modified to that of even the smallest parasite. T. gondii’s decreasing the male populous is interesting, as it shows even homo sapiens is suceptible to mind and biology altering parasites.

Zombie Parasite Transmission

Rabies serves as the most interesting and most likely candidate for infectious parasitic zombism. While not a zombie in the conventional undead sense, all the characteristcs would be displayed, mainly an aggressive nature, infected brain matter, and transmission through saliva. Infected humans of a mutated or even radioactive strain of rabies would definitely exhibit these feral symptoms – and would probably be fast too. As shown in the remake of “Dawn of the Dead” or the “28 Days Later” movies, fast zombies are a real problem. Though a “zombie” in thoughtless, rage filled terms, a headshot will still bring these humans down. Heart and body shots are another matter – filled with adrenaline and crazed, they may exhibit symptoms of “quislings” and not be brought down as easily as uninfected humans.

Scientifically Altered States

The third, and most probable cause (though mush less dangerous) is through an altered state of consciousness. George A. Romero or John Carpenter would have us believe we’re already in this state if commercialism, suburbanites and mass apathy are any indication. However, I am referring to altered brain and body states as induced by hypnosis or toxins.

Altered Consciousness

As documented in “The Serpent and the Rainbow”, the tetrodotoxin (TTX) of the puffer fish can be used by voodoo priests to cause a zombie-like state of near death. TTX is a highly potent neurotoxin which causes paralysis and eventual death. Gram for gram, TTX is 10,000 times more lethal than cyanide and posesses a terrifying modus operandi — 25 minutes after exposure it begins to paralyze, leaving the brain fully aware of what’s happening. Death usually results, within hours, from suffocation or heart failure. No antidote exists. A victim pronounced dead can be lucky enough to wake up just before his funeral, fully conscious and aware of his surroundings throughout the entire ordeal. TTX has the unusual characteristic that if a nonlethal dose is given, the brain will remain completely unaffected. If just the right dose is given, the toxin will mimic death in the victim, whose vitals will slow to an immeasurable state, and whose body will show signs of rigor mortis and even produce the odor of rot.

Methods induced by sickness, hypnosis or raditation could produce a similar, slowed-brained result. In either case, the zombified person would be neither dead nor aggressive (unless provoked or instructed to be), most likely a threat only to his or herself.

Transmission

Transmission of this type of zombie would be impossible, as the source of zombification remains with the host – either through poisoning or hypnosis. This is non-transferrable and the process could in fact be reversed with proper medical care or a well-placed snipers bullet. This type of zombism is seen as the only plausible kind, and skeptics debunk it as a world-ender much as I have. However, they fail to mention the above methods.

Conclusion

Voodoo zombies remain a curse – but only in the literary sense. Throughly studied, they pose no threat to humankind. Research into reanimating or resuscitating the recently deceased is under investigation and has been in practice since the 1940′s – but no serious headway has been made, and the physiology of keeping some dead thing alive takes a bit of a stretch – but could be possible.

The most probable cause of a zombie pandemic would be through an opportunistic or mutated parasitic organism or virus. Virii remain the dominant form of life on the planet, able to quickly mutate, adapt and change to live (and kill) a variety of hosts. Vaccination serves little purpose and would only serve as an opiate or pacifying agent – much like “Phalanx” in Max Brooks’ “World War Z”. The cause of zombies in his world is through a virus called “Solanum” which reanimates corpses, turning their blood to goo and bears many of the same characteristics of zombies.

Should any of the discussed sources merge or attack at the same time – science help us. Stay away from rabid dogs, eh?

Resources

• Cinema Fiction vs. Physics Reality
• CDC Rabies Just 4 Kids
• Wasp performs roach-brain-surgery to make zombie slave-roaches
• Toxoplasma gondii
• Mind-Controlling Wasps and Zombie Spiders
• How Zombies Work

The 2012 thing – if you’re reading this article, chances are you’re already familiar with it. The 2012 thing refers to the conveniently predicted end-of-the-world or great change coming December 21st, 2012. Many apocalypse theories are vague and dark, leaving many details rough, ambiguous and open to interpretation. The 2012 eschaton comes from several cultures and gives us a very certain date to prepare not necessarily for the end of existence or the world, but “the end of the world as we know it” – TEOTWAWKI.

The date of 12/21/12 is derived from the end of a 5,125 year cycle for the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, most notably used by the Maya civilization. The calendar completes its 13th cycle from its starting point. Correlating the Mayan date to our Gregorian calendar yields several different dates ranging from the 21st through the 23rd, but the 21st seems likely, as it coincides with the winter solstice, and though astrology has little to do with our daily affairs, astronomically the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on the 21st. This interesting termination of the calendar in our immediate lifetimes is what brings many to reckon the date will bring about great global change or cataclysm.

Prophecies aside, how does 2012 relate to a zombie apocalypse? Certainly our world could be forever changed on this date by an unnoticed eschatological asteroid, disease or terrible quaking of the earth. The walking dead? Also plausible. Current scientific research into disease, reanimation and cellular re-genesis is progressing as rapidly as other scientific disciplines. Particularly terrifying is the reanimation of the 1918 Spanish influenza virus, responsible for a pandemic that killed an estimated 20 million people. Scientists have gathered important new clues to why the virus spread quickly and killed efficiently (though its use as a bio-weapon has not been confirmed). The viral resurrection is brought about for research and a vaccine against itself – which of course has already been eradicated – and the virus is being harvested from corpses, notably the body of a woman buried in the Alaskan permafrost. Unchecked adaptive and opportunistic pathogens claim a definite component of our eschaton, and an escaped weaponized version will most certainly wreak havoc against an unprepared and innocent populace. There’s no guarantee the new vaccine will work well on humans, a problem because nobody born after 1930 is immune to the 1918 strain.

The physical walking dead demand a certain suspense of disbelief of course. Assuming a plausible 20% of the worlds population has been infected by a terminal pathogen, our fragile infrastructure and socioeconomic systems will begin to break down as well. Weakened immune systems will render humans more susceptible to the likes of Trypanosoma brucei, a parasite that carries nightmarish qualities, reducing many of its victims to a zombie-like state before they slip into a coma and die. Toxoplasma gondii can alter brain functions in rats, leading them to the jaws of cats – and in humans can change brain patterns to induce neuroses, paranoia and schizophrenia. Left with a rotting brain and primitive fight-or-flight instincts, an entire populace can be reduced to weakened lumbering shadows of humans, stumbling around for food. Not actually dead or undead, these stupefied humans will be harbingers of disease, parasites, bacteria and infectious rot, whose saliva and blood will be rich with zombifying toxins.

Disease ridden walking corpses are one thing. Reanimating brain-dead humans has been discussed before and is a very real possibility. Restoring a human from a cryogenic stasis and reanimating their dying brain tissue yields the possibility that a human may not be the same as they were when they expired. This leaves much speculation as to a reanimated form of a human being, but combined with the virii and diseases mentioned above – you get the idea.

Five years is a fine timeframe for viruses to be developed and mutate as well as science achieving groundbreaking results in reanimation. “Where will I be in five years?” Loading shotguns and pistols seems like a nice course of action, but they’re more for your protection against opportunistic looters, crazies and deranged survivors rather than walking corpses. In five years I will be watching the news with cautious eyes – and stocking up like I would for any emergency.

Guns and beer.

• Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Pandemic Influenza Virus
• Scientists Describe How 1918 Influenza Virus Sample Was Exhumed In Alaska
• Reanimated Infection
• The disease that makes people zombies
• Toxoplasmosis

Check these out if your brain is hungry for more:

This assumes zombie cells are not immortal. There exists a certain type of cell that doesn’t break down. In fact, it’s IMMORTAL.  They can copy and reproduce without mutation or error and can split indefinitely, causing no breakdown of the original, in theory consuming everything they can and replicating to the point of infinity. These immortal cells exist and for now have been a gift upon science – we can experiment and develop vaccines. Left unchecked, the cells become a plague upon cultures and taint results. This particular immortal cell is called “Helacyton gartleri”, and it comes from a dead woman. In fact, there are more cells of this cancer than there ever were in this woman. A part of this woman lives forever, continuing to eat and replicate. Like a zombie.

These peculiar, though not undead, cells are from an average woman named Henrietta Lacks, who died in 1951. The same cells pulled from her cervical cancer (from HPV) are still alive. These cells, called HeLa, are common in biological research and are still being grown in an unbroken lineage from the original cells over 50 years ago. They’re used in cancer research, vaccination development, and can reproduce faster than other cancerous cells. They consume, excrete, and will be here a thousand years from now still alive, along with the original culture from 1951. That’s right – for all intents and purposes, her cancer cells are zombies.

HeLa cells can even be classified as a new species - Helacyton gartleri – spontaneously arisen from Lacks. The exhibit the following factors:

• The chromosomal incompatibility of HeLa cells with humans.
• The ecological niche of HeLa cells.
• Their ability to persist and expand well beyond the desires of human cultivators.

Zombies are also incompatible with humans, this is an obvious point. The undead also have their own ecological niche – the ability to survive in most any clime, and the ability to consume most any flesh to add to their own hideously decaying cell structure. And the third point is also obvious – zombies are quite uncontrollable beyond human expectations.

Thus HeLa cells may have a cousin – that of the immortal zombie. If your brain tissue and brain stem become like HeLa, they will also live forever continuing those basic functions of motor skills and eating indefinitely – which is why I again stress that severing the base of the head and neck is most important. Brain cells are grown through neurogensis from brain stem cells, and if these cells take on the qualities of HeLa cells – well, you get the idea. A person is dead, but their brain will keep living – and feeding.

All we need next are scientists to experiment with manually regrowing dead brain cells.