In Tennessee a City hall won’t succumb to zombie rights, and in Florida a non-discreetly labeled headline warns of zombie attacks on the elderly.
Chattanooga — The name may sound like something you’d hear a zombie moan as its mucus and pus filled maw begins to nom on your brains, but the clever denizens of this Tennessee town have their stuff together.
According to the Chattanooga Pulse, city hall won’t be having any organized zombie marches parading trough town.
City Hall has no official comment, but an unidentified source states that, “The city of Chattanooga will not tolerate zombies. What if one of those bloodthirsty monsters tries to eat a child? What if one of our venerable elderly citizens witnesses one of those horrible creatures walking across the Walnut Street Bridge and has a heart attack? We can’t let those freaks roam about in public freely; they need to continue to live in the shadows.”
And in Florida (God’s waiting room), the undead have been having a field day picking off old people. Ya gotta love that someone’s lessening the fear by passing it off as an April Fools article. If a real person from Florida didn’t see that headline, their pacemaker would probably up and fizzle right then.
“They came outta nowhere,” New Birmingham resident Ronald Frobnitz exclaimed, pointing to the woods that border Woodhaven Circle in Jacksonville. “Shufflin’ and moanin’ something that sounded a lot like ‘braaaiiinnns.’
“They caught wind of us and slouched our way. I hollered ‘don’t look Ethyl,’ but it was too late, she’d done been chomped.”
Frobnitz and his friend Ethyl N. Glykol were doing a quiet spot of feral hog trapping on Woodhaven Circle this morning, when he claims they were attacked by “the living dead.”
I appreciate the editor’s tagline at the end of the article:
Medical professionals continue to deny the threat of a zombie outbreak is real — but what do they know, really? The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Reece Daniel, the Zombie Squad and Woodhaven Circle’s feral hog problems are real.